TTEscrima

The 9 real reasons people want to believe in aliens


1. Secular wonderment
Proves atheism. The Bible doesn’t say anything about aliens, so I guess you could say the Bible missed something pretty big, hence proof that the Bible misses big things, unless the beasts in Revelation are really, literally, alien creatures, in which case aliens would mean the end of the world. If somebody starts a cult with that idea I demand a share of the profits. In any case atheists have nothing to inspire wonder since everything has some mundane explanation that humanity will one day be smart enough to figure out.

2. The sheer boredom of life
Escape. Something new to look at. Something new to hate. There is nothing new here, it’s all just a version of something we have seen before. New species are like old species, new medicines from new plants may benefit our grandchildren but not us, it’s all just a bunch of worn-out bullshit and we need something genuinely novel to blast us out of our anomie. Aliens from outer space would fit the bill.

3. Something new to have sex with
Tired of pussy/anus? Not interested in sheep? Think it would be cool to be to stick your dick in something from light years away? Well, an alien, provided it had dick-sized (toothless) orifices, and was either consenting or unable to defend itself, would be an interesting sex-partner for you. People get jaded on the regular sex, and after awhile you can tell what it will feel like just by looking at it. After that, nothing can help you, except for some extraterrestrial hole, of course.

4. Tired of waiting for scientific breakthroughs
They only come about maybe twice in a lifetime and it’s always for something you don’t need, but aliens, providing they were the ones who invented the technology to come here (and didn’t steal it from some other alien civilization), would be an end-run around the limitations that our stupidity places on our ability to discover new shit and use it right away. It would be like copying answers from the smart kid.

5. You are a whackjob and you want to gloat.
Conventional science won’t even consider the prospect, and anybody with an imagination when it comes to extraterrestrial phenomena is instantly grouped with Art Bell and every person who profits from idle, attention-whoring hicks. Providing that the aliens are not Whitley Strieber’s gray men, everybody gets to gloat at everybody else, thus providing us all with one of humanity’s best guilty pleasures. If Streiber was right about how the aliens look, then then only he and and his set of whackjobs get to gloat.

6. You want to experience space-travel
And you think they may want to take you with them Close Encounters/Cocoon-style. Of course, wouldn’t it be something if you got into space and found out that aliens didn’t shit, and didn’t know that we did? Basically, you would wind up shitting on the floor of their spaceship and having to smell it all the way across space.

7. You are a scientologist
I guess, one of the first things aliens would be asked once we figured out how to communicate with them, would be “have you heard of Xenu?” if yes, then would would have a new world religion. Or maybe the Scientologists would make sure that that would be exactly the question not asked. In any case it would make the whole religion seem slightly more credible, wouldn’t it? Of course it would make every weird space-alien cult on Earth seem more credible as well. By the way, doesn’t “scientology” sound like something a verbose hillbilly would come up with? Like “shootist” or “banjoologist”?

8. It gives hack-scientists new fields to be an “expert” in
And thus reap glory. There are people who are known for being “pioneers” who “revolutionized” their fields, and who are “much-respected”. This is why people go into the sciences, to be respected and revered for knowing shit. Of course, there is a limitation on shit there is to know here, and there is so much competition from geeks with no lives that there is no way for an average guy to get ahead. Suddenly insert a bunch of new fields of study and instantly you have a new frontier open for anybody to conquer.

9. Weapons
Humanity can always use more firepower and how much more advanced can you get than guns from space? That’s like the ultimate advantage. Every concept we have of “aliens” comes from fiction, from movies and novels, from our own imaginations. How many imaginations could have come up with something like a caecilian? It’s not stupendously bizarre, just quietly wrong in it’s own little way. The fact is that they will, if they exist, likely be something unlike anything we have thought of before, less sensational, more subtle, something that wouldn’t be good enough to make a movie about, their weaponry (since we can’t imagine creatures who don’t fight) would be something we haven’t thought of yet.