Patterson is 12 for 12 I believe.
A ninja instructor and student were sitting in a hovel somewhere deep in Secret Forest. They had just returned from another 12 hour instructional binge at the local 16-plex theater.
The instructor spake unto the student: "You must study well the ways of the movie ninja. Indeed his prowess is well beyond my humble abilities. Here is a list of talents you must learn."
The Spiderman death trick - a true ninja can climb vertical surfices without any visible means of support; sometimes they can even stick to the roof.
The deadly bionic throwing star - a true ninja can throw a star several hundred meters through several pieces of wood and the occasional car door and still chop a quarter in half
The fabulous energy absorbing death roll - a true ninja can jump off of a ten story building onto hard concrete and roll once to absorb the impact
The reverse camera death trick - a true ninja can leap vertically into a tall tree and land precisely on a specific branch
High performance forward death leap - a true ninja can leap over speeding cars, between fan blades, across huge lava pits, and through brick walls.
The deadly carbon steel denture trick - a true ninja can simultaneously catch an speeding arrow on each hand and a bullet in the teeth. A truer ninja can then throw (spit) these back and kill his attackers with them. An even truer ninja can do this blindfolded in the dark. A real stud ninja can catch small cannon shells in his teeth too.
The flying death dealing vegamatic - a true ninja armed with only a can opener can kill 50 highly trained heavily armed opponents in as many seconds.
The death glare - a true ninja can shake the stoutest opponent to his very soul with but a glance. Heart attacks, strokes, and instant epilepsy are an added bonus.
The iron palm of death - a true ninja can smash locks and powder bricks with a single slap of the palm. It is not strictly necessary for the locks or bricks to be in the same room; contact with any convenient surface will allow the energy to be transmitted to the target.
The most undeath like pain trick - a true ninja can withstand being shot with high power rifles several hundred times before he starts to seriously bleed. It takes a small atomic blast (or another ninja) to kill a ninja.
The continued refusal to die trick - a true ninja can continue to rise from the dead as a ghost or by possessing a victim for an indefinite number of sequels.
The ever classic explosive death smoke bombs - a true ninja must always keep a ready supply of smoke bombs. The bombs allow a true ninja to: instantly teleport, replicate, summon aid from beyond the grave, become invisible, create words in the air, and other slightly useful tricks.
The instructor the spake, "Learn these well and you will be one badass dude, my son." With those parting words, the instructor vanished in a flash of light. All that remained were a perfectly cleaned and pressed pile of ninja clothes.
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