Chuck Norris

[cam427]

I received this by email this morning. Thought it was pretty funny.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually
a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that
day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire
state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.

[OmaPlata]

AND Chucks a black belt in machado BJJ

[aseepish]

There's another version floating around:

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all
shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he
replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what
beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.


Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a
situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead
doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to
the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck
Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the
world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck
Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so
hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a
purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at
you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he
swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse
ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at
McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked
the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he
will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a
game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by
roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can
be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was
experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check
the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.
Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate
the entire cake before they could tell him there was a
stripper in it

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment
Tonight that his most memorable role was when he
played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.


Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.


If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of
space you know who would win? Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is
invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poops them out transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck
Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody
noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker
despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail
free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates
karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris
is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may
be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find
one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure
enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a
bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and
then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris
yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave
things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris
accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be
familiar with it to this very day by its technical
name... Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue
ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most
venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness
of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly
kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens
to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual
spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach
messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation
Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise
warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to
which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on
him... until he roundhouse kicked them all because
someone spilt his beer.

[danfaggella]

Oh my god I love it.

[aseepish]

Originally Posted by OmaPlata

AND Chucks a black belt in machado BJJ

Therefore this thread rightly belongs on the BJJ forum!

[IPON]

Originally Posted by OmaPlata

AND Chucks a black belt in machado BJJ

yes but his fame cme from tang soo do