Chuck Norris

[maubee]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[OmaPlata]

Originally Posted by maubee

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Lay down the crack pipe and back away from the computer

[maubee]

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris “Chick Norris”. He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

[Oreomeister365]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad hes never cried.

[maubee]

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Answer: Chuck Norris.

[OmaPlata]

Theres a guy that drives a red acura NSX around town with MR NORRIS on the license plate. I thought that since they filmed one of his shows in san diego at the time, it might have been Chuckie Babie. So I saw the car again and followed it one day, thinking I can kick chucks ass if its him, but when I catch up to the the guy, its none other than.........Terry Norris, the former Olympic boxing star and san diego native. I decided I cant beat him up so go on my way

[maubee]

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

[cam427]

I was sent this in a email today. More Chuck Classics

1) Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

2) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

3) Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

4) When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

5) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

6) Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

7) When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

8) Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

9) Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

10) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

11) Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

12) Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

13) As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

14) A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

15) Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

16) Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

17) If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

18) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

19) Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

20) At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

[kuk sool won]

i just cant see the funny side of these...

[danfaggella]

Chuck Norris is capable of deviding by zero.

[Freedom]

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

What came first the Chicken or the Egg? Chuck Norris

What's the shortest distance between two points? Chuck Norris


(The last two are just stupid, but funny all the same)

[blitz]

I don't like any of the Chuck Norris jokes :S

[SwissPrecision]

If you don't like the Chuck Norris [not a big fan of Chuch Norris myself] jokes replace his name with a friends; you'll always get a smile. Anyway here we go ...

In the days before e-mail, Chuck Norris would tie messages to pigeons and then roundhouse kick them.

Chuck Norris once swallowed a Rubik's Cube. When it came out in the toilet it was solved.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity,Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

[danfaggella]

when chuck norri actually does give blood, he refuses the needle and requests a handgun and 2 buckets.