THE MACHINE - STORY 2.

[Ian The Machine Freeman]

I would like to hive you a snippet from my early days as kid. Nothing dangerous, just mischievious. You will also notice the book is written in NorthEast dialect, so bare with me if there are some words you don't quite understand. It just gives the book the realism of my life story......

I’ve got two sisters Kim; the eldest, then Sue and a younger brother called Colin; ‘our kid’. I think I would have preferred to be the youngest one though cos you get spoilt rotten but more importantly, you get away with everything. But when I tell you about the ‘accidents’ that our Colin endured, it does make me glad I wasn’t the youngest. I was always out to test people. You know, to see exactly how much I could get away with before I landed myself in trouble.

You made your own entertainment back then and there was always plenty to do. I was a right little tearaway. Our Colin and me were always up to something. There was once, he got an orange tractor and he absolutely loved it. Remember when you used to get toys one week and they would be the best things in the whole world until the week after when you’d get something else? Well this tractor was the cow’s tits for Colin. It was his toy of the moment. Our dad used to take us camping quite a lot and while we were there he’d take us shooting, so as a kid I had my own air rifle. One day I clocked the tractor in the garden and Colin was nowhere in sight. I thought it must have taken the doctors ages to separate the pair of them so I didn’t want to waste such an opportunity. I tied it to the washing line with a piece of string, bounded upstairs and hanging out the window took aim with the rifle. Ping … Crack! I was like a ****ing sniper. It was the dog’s.

(Dog’s: See ‘dog’s bollocks’ or ‘the bollocks’: a British term for something that is amazing / good / the business. Originates from a dog being able to lick it’s own parts, hence the brilliance.)

Here’s me sitting there like Scorpio in Dirty Harry - Ping, Ping, Ping, and there’s all these bits of orange plastic flying all over the garden. After a few minutes I heard someone else bound up the stairs. You’ll never guess who it was … His first reaction was, ‘You’ll get wrong for that,’ but he hadn’t even seen what the target was yet. So I’m going, ‘Here. Have a go.’ He knew it was a bit naughty, but at that age when you’re handed an air rifle and told it’s alright to shoot it, guess what you’re gonna do. By the time he set eyes on the thing it looked nothing like any tractor I’ve ever seen, so he aimed and pulled the trigger. Ping, Ping … he loved it. He was getting well into it and falling around laughing then he asked me what it was he was shooting at. I couldn’t lie: ‘It’s your brand new orange tractor!’ he stopped laughing for some reason. There was that two second pause that kids do just before they start to bawl their eyes out. And that’s when I knew the little git was gonna shop me when our mam and dad got home.

[dan downard]

Ah,the beloved B.B. gun.
I was the youngest of three boys.
I got blamed for everything.If something got broken or destroyed we would get lined up and told,(it was a lie)that if whoever did it confessed,the sentence would be lighter.Well ,even if I knew nothing about it,my two brothers would confess.Danny did it and we saw him do it.
We lived out in the hills on 40 acres.One summer my oldest brother got a B.B. gun for his b-day.At the same time,the whole family got a swimming pool to put up in the back yard.I had drug the milk box(the box the milkman put your milk in on the front porch when they used to deliver)to the back yard for a diving platform.As I was gleefully playing in my pool,I heard my brother yell from the upstairs window.My parents werent home,so when I looked up and saw him with his B.B. gun and that evil smile on his face,I knew I was doomed.Suddenly the house looked miles away.The space between the pool and the house that was my freindly back yard had turned into a battle zone with no cover or conceilment.As the first B.B. pierced my skin I let out a howl.I immediately dove in the pool.But it was to shallow and he was sitting to high.He had studied his Sgt Rock comics carefully and knew it was to his advantage to take the high ground.I knew I couldnt stay there.So,I grabbed what little cover I had.My milkbox.I low crawled pushing the box in front of me to the house.It only gave me protection for my head and shoulders.By the time I made it the 100 feet to the house he had buried over 20 B.B.'s in the back of my legs.It looked like I had been attacked by a flock of seagulls.As my parents pulled into the driveway,I could feel the redemtion building in my chest.I knew he was gonna get buried for what he had done to me.As I was explaining his awful deed to my parents I couldnt help but get mad ,as my Dad started laughing like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard.He just kept looking at my brother asking him if he had put any hole in the pool.
At the same time,my Mom starts to laugh cause my Dad's laughing.Now I have decided that the whole family is against me.She adds insult to injury by telling me that (if you play with big boys,you get big hurts).What the h.e. double hockey sticks is that supposed to mean?So,to make things even worse.For punishment ,my Dad makes my brother dig the B.B.'s out of my legs.He is shaking so hard from laughing that he is digging into my skin with a pair of tweesers and not even looking for the b.b.'s.But,I am happy to say that I got my revenge.It took over three months of planning,but I was able to soak him down with caustic acid to create some of the coolest tied died looking scars from the burns he suffered from.Ah yes,Childhood.Good times.

[duchman]

yo dan, this is the machine promotional thread, not your trauma thread

[dan downard]

But my counseler said I should talk about it when ever I could.

[Ian The Machine Freeman]

Hi Dan,

This the thread I should of asked if you could remeber that far back, lol

Hey, I'm a fighter, I'm bound to get it wrong now and then.

[dan downard]

Ian,punch drunk is a great excuse.I use it all the time