OT - How to avoid a Texas ass kicking.

[John Bennett]

The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas will soon be drawing a number of people to Texas, including many who are not accustomed to southern hospitality.

These visitors may find useful the following travel advice issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Northerners and Northeasterners.

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Bobby Ray, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called a Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI World Com, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers, etc). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we'd kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is. So, shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't put ketchup on your eggs. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits the way God intended - with gravy, and don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we're saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Central Park.

12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint bumpkins because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.

14) Nothing in California is Southern, so if you come down here, don't think you're one of us just because you say you're from Southern California. Your Mexicans didn't invent low riders, ours did, and the food is Tex Mex. It isn't Cali Mex. You haven't contributed anything to the South so don't take credit or we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box....minus your ass.

[Angel_of_Pain]

Southern seem nice

[Lithp]

Dang that's funny

[Robbie]

[bobby_steeles]

...and you guys talk too much. i got bored at about numer 6.
who the hell would willingly go to texas anyway?

[dan downard]

I've been to Texas.
The best part is right dab in the middle of the state.











Cause,no matter which way you go........your leaving.

[Mako]

JB,

EXCELLENT! LOL!

I moved to Texas 10 years ago. Having lived and travelled all over the world, I wouldn't move!

For those of you who have negative images of Texas as some dusty, wind-blown cow palace... you've either seen too many cowboy movies, or you've visited
El Paso (Hey, don't blame us for El Paso, we're trying to give it back!) LOL!

[dan downard]

LOL.Texas is so big,I'm pretty sure it has some of everything.

[Mako]

For those of you who are loading up for the "why Texas sucks" posts, consider this:

1. We christmas shop in shorts

2. We don't have earthquakes, hurricanes, or
"rolling blackouts".

3. You can get a 2,000 plus square foot, 2 story, all brick home in a gated community for $125,000. (yes, really)

4. We have NO STATE TAXES!


and finally (since you're attention deficit disorder won't allow you to get all the way to 6......)

We have the finest team in the NBA.... GO SPURS GO!

[Aloha From Hell]

Texas is for people that can't afford California. All the bright people I know from Texas got the phuck out and came to the Bay Area.

Texas is a ****hole full of ignorant, racist, cousin phuckin, banjo playin retards.

You yanks have no idea how hard the rest of the world laughs at George Bush. Sheet, the other night he was spouting off about CO2 emmisions on CNN, the daft kunt pronounced it Carbon Benoxide. LMAO.

BTW I do enjoy that Galveston Song by Glenn Campbell. It rocks.

[LEGION]

'Texas is for people that can't afford California. All the bright people I know from Texas got the phuck out and came to the Bay Area.'

The only ppl i know who have left texas for california have done so to become actors. We were very glad to be rid of those douche bags anyways, beacuse they used words like 'aloha'.


'Texas is a ****hole full of ignorant, racist, cousin phuckin, banjo playin retards.'

Three of the ten largest cities in the US populated by banjo playin retards? Oh the fun they must have!


'You yanks have no idea how hard the rest of the world laughs at George Bush. Sheet, the other night he was spouting off about CO2 emmisions on CNN, the daft kunt pronounced it Carbon Benoxide. LMAO.'

As i have pointed out before, the Bush's are not originally form Texas, and 'w' received his 'education' at an ivy league school. And add to the list of ways to get your ass kicked in Texas, calling someone from Texas a 'yank'.

'BTW I do enjoy that Galveston Song by Glenn Campbell. It rocks.'

Anyone who even knows who Glen Campbell is undoubtedly qualifies for an ass-kicking.

[E1am]

No self respecting Southerner thinks of Texas as part of the South. I don't care who's side you fought on in the War of Northern Agression.

[klif]

Let it be on Earth as it is in TEXAS.

[sabrutat1]

There's a reason I live in Texas, boys. And it ain't the cows.

Coolest folks on God's green earth. Or in this case, sparse.

Austin Tx is the Live Music Capital of the World. Where there's bands, there's bevvy. And good-looking birds.

I'm as happy as a pig in shit.

Cheers

Stef

[macdawg]

understand to some people using the term "Yank" or "Yankee" is unacceptable in that it is derogatory in nature ever since that was what the Confederates referred to the North as in the Civil War. Generally it is disrespectful to the Veterans the African American slaves they fought for to use the word in that context.