5 Simple Rules For Delivering Chinese Food To My House

[Masala]

Any Joe Schmoe looking for a summer job can deliver Chinese food, but few can do it well . The few that do it well reap the benefits of good tips and other perks, like the prospect of more good tips to come. If you want to follow in the footsteps of the delivery masters, just adhere to these five easy rules and you'll be on your way to getting an extra dollar (or two) from me.

1. Arrive Quickly

And I do mean quickly. I want my Chinese food within 25 minutes. When I ordered the Chinese food, I didn't plan ahead. Instead, it just got later and later and I didn't cook any dinner and I am hungry. I want food. I expect fast service. If you don't give it to me, it costs you. About 20 cents.

2. Don't Forget How Much The Food Is Worth

When I order Chinese food, I don't care to ask how much I need to pay for it. I usually find that out when the delivery guy comes. Usually. When the delivery guy doesn't know much the food is worth, the delivery guy and I are at an impasse. I'm not going to pay for the food if he doesn't know how much it's worth (as far as I know, the Chinese food owner guy could be giving it to me for free!) and he's not going to leave until I pay him. More often than not I just pretend that I forgot where I am and stare blankly at a light fixture until the delivery guy leaves. Bottom line is, remember how much I should pay you. If you lie, I'll find out. Eventually. This little trick is worth 20 cents, so keep it handy.

3. Avoid Spillage!

This is a big issue here. There are some new jerk delivery people that don't know whether or not the food contains a gravy-like substance, so they kick it around and play catch with it on the way. This is unacceptable. I usually order food that contains a gravy-like substance and I sure as hell plan on eating it, and whatever is floating in it, when I get my food. If some of the gravy-like substances is missing or all over the bag, I am very angered. I'll know it before I have to pay you too, and this may cost you your entire tip altogether if it's bad enough. If it's only a minor case of spillage, it'll only cost you about 20 cents.

4. Wear A Scooter Helmet

If you deliver the food while wearing a helmet from a scooter, you're in the money, baby. The guy that does this gets the biggest tips from me . Come on! You don't get any cooler than that. If you replicate this deliver master's techniques, you're sure to earn yourself an extra 20 cents.

NOTE: If you close the visor I won't know who you are, thus I'll be tempted to take the food from you because I'll assume you have stolen this from the real delivery guy, and are attempting to impersonate him. You also could be making faces at me from behind the visor, and I don't like that. Heed this warning!

5. No, Mushrooms are not a vegetable

Don't tell me that mushrooms are a vegetable. I like chicken with mushrooms with no vegetables. That does NOT mean that I just want chicken. It means that I don't want any vegetables, but I DO want the mushrooms. I cannot begin to describe how many hours I've wasted arguing this point. Agreeing that I want chicken with mushrooms without vegetables earns you an extra 20 cents.

Add it all up. You can earn a whole extra DOLLAR if you follow these five easy steps! That's a give-away! Don't forget that those 20 cent bonuses aren't the limit. Sometimes I'll be too lazy to get change and will give you the benefit of the dollar doubt ..that's a possible $2 extra dollars in addition to an already reasonable tip.

[JaredExtreme]

Ya know what's weird? Not only are mushrooms not vegetables, they're not even PLANTS !! HOLY OOMAPLATA BATMAN!

[Tape Lord]

Masala is correct.

Excellent thread, you wrote out pretty much what I expect from my Chinese delivery service as well.

Tape Lord

[Shimora]

Mushrooms are a Fungus.

[KyleS]

Is this the real Tape Lord? You haven't been banned yet?

- Kyle