Todays funnies

[dan downard]

> 1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole
> relationships." (Sharon Stone)
>
> 2) Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in."
> (Courtney Cox as "Monica" on "Friends")
>
> 3) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
> poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently
> doing quite well for themselves." (Jerry Garcia, Grateful Dead)
>
> 4) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives,
but
> he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush,
former
> US First Lady)
>
> 5) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
> man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)
>
> 6) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (Billy
Crystal)
>
> 7) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't
> like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)
>
> 8) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other
hand,
> we can open all our own jars." (Bruce Willis - on the difference
between
men
> and women)
>
> 9) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything
on
> me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't
> blame everything on Satan."(George Burns)
>
> 10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."(Carmen Boyle,
Olympic
> Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
>
> 11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
> Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
(Henry
> Kissenger, former US Secretary of State)
>
> 12) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's
> reading." (Steve Jobs, Founder: Apple Computers)
>
> 13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -
the
> natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
> (Dan Rather)
>
> 14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
> 'Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
>
> 15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men.
> Golf is a sport for white men dressed like
> black pimps." (Tiger Woods)
>
> 16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured
by
> a Great White or if a piece of seaweed
> touches my foot." (Axel Rose, Guns'n'Roses)
>
> 17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment
> turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
> (Rev. Jesse Jackson)
>
> 18) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
(Jack
> Nicholson)
>
> 19) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the
> only time of the month that I can be
> myself." (Roseanne)
>
> 20) "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
> undressing in front of men than they do
> undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too
> judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful."
> (Robert De Niro)
>
> 21) "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra.
Is
> that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to
> women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)
>
> 22) "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
men
are
> having allergic reactions to latex
> condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the
problem?"
> (Dustin Hoffman)
>
> 23) "When the sun comes up, I have morals again."(Elizabeth Taylor)
>
> 24) "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
"I
> know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody
> naked." (Jerry Seinfield)
>
> 25) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS "See, the problem is that God gives
men a
> brain and a penis, and only enough blood to
> run one at a time."(Robin Williams)
____________________________________________________

[Hookah Smokin Caterpillar]

Great quotes for a man sneaking on the Internet during work. Makes me laugh. Glad to see the living (dead) legend Jerry Garcia in there too

[Marcus]

That's probably the smartest thing Jesse Jackson has ever said.