Garland

****. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to pull people back together. When I got off work tonight, I get a phone call from my little brother, "T***r O.D.'ed. He's dead."
What the **** is this, some sort of sick ass joke? Who could be that low? I know he didn't make it up, so I start to inquire about who he'd heard it from...when...how...then I call up my other friend to confirm it, the kid who told my brother. The kid I called has complete credibility, he was the inspirational speaker for my highschool class...he's always been extremely laid back, never vindictive, and always clear headed. It's true. T***r's dead, his funeral is tommorow, and I had to hear about it the night before, when my little brother hears it at a fucking party.

One down, heroin. Last time a friend died, methadone...and another played a role in an "accidental death" when he sold some girl a downer and she crashed off a cliff on her way home from Park City.

This kid...was always an awkward ****. Me and two other kids were, to my knowledge, some of his closest friends. He had a falling out with each of them, and only started talking to one of them a few weeks ago.
I saw this kid at work below where I work LAST WEEK...and I had so much scorn for him that I snubbed him, completely. I see his little brother Tuesday...no news, the kids doing alright, he's in rehab, outpatient, and he's finally putting his shit together. He calls another one of my friends Wendsday night at 12:01 AM, my other friend doesn't feel like picking up the phone...his phone is now disconnected, and nobody will hear his voice again.

Me and these two friends of T***r had a series of falling outs, I stayed both of their friends, but rarely make time to see them, and they don't hang out due to past drug experiences and petty theft....small shit.

It takes T***r's death to get us in the same room together. I don't know what to feel anymore...this wasn't a complete shock, it was just a suprise. We knew it was coming sooner or later, but how can anyone ever brace themselves for something like this?

All the times I snubbed him.
all the times I made fun of him, all the shitty nicknames I had for him because I made fun of his addiction and his general awkwardness.

He had a habit of alienating people...
now some of his closer friends didn't even know that he'd died. I had to bear the news to everybody.

Shit.
I'm not going to his funeral.
I don't know what to say, or how to feel.
That goofy bastard had no right...because now it starts.
Now my friends are going to start following in suit.
All of them have been in and out of rehabs, now time will simply show who dies, goes to jail...and maybe the one in five that clean up. What's done is done. Ashes to ashes.
On the car ride home from getting coffee...I look down at one of my friends car carpet...little foilies...empty wrappers, and balloons.

**** heroin.
**** being petty.
**** funerals.
**** him, that stupid son of a bitch. When this shit happens, it affects everyone you know...**** him for being selfish and putting himself at risk, and dying on us. Probably wanted one last shot. He got it.

And now...I'll never be able to forgive him, because he'll never be able to listen...he'll never be able to forgive me. Never.

__________________
homo homini lupus

Garland

If I were a believer, I might say; there but by the grace of God go I.
I can't sleep, I just feel fucking awful. So sick. Poor kid. I always felt so sorry for him. To just go out like that...with nobody knowing...how? How does that even happen?

I've been working so hard at school lately, I haven't been keeping up with any of my friends...would they know if something happened to me? Would anyone think to call them? Jesus...it's scary...and so, so sad.

It just keeps hitting me, little by little. What the **** is going on?
It just brings so much into the light...why? It could have been me...and who knows...if life had been a little different to me, it might have been me in that casket...with nobody knowing...or indifferent. I'll miss him. I didn't when he was here...but now that he's gone...IT COULD have been different. shit...I need to stop thinking about this shit.

Heroin is an epidemic now. Meth is by far the worst, but heroin is popular now, and people keep dying. Two fighters here have died in the past month.
What the **** is happening?
I can't get my head around this. There's just too much going on.

__________________
homo homini lupus

shaolin-warrior

Garland,
My condolances. I've burried a few friends as well. I still have two friends that are on the needle. I don't hang with them anymore. The emotional rollercoaster ride is too intense. There lives are short and tragic and their deaths are painfull for the ones they leave behind. Don't try to make to much sense of it because there is no sense to be made. Life is the hardest opponent we will ever have to face, it's easier sober. Once again I'm sorry for your loss.