kevin green

I just can't describe the joy I feel since deciding to take up Judo and discovering that it really is a religous movement masqurading
as an organized A.A.U. sponsored sport. I have been searching my whole life for the true meaning of the universe and have found great joy that I have been led to Judo inspired Shinto religion. I havn't decided which of the Judo spirits to totally surrender my free thinking to but have tremendous releif that I can now blindly follow the national Judo organizations lead and not have to think for myself anymore.
If anyone has any tips that can help me to surrender my free will let me know as I still have some remnant of my original personality.

RobertG

Oh nevermind. You aren't even worth it.

kevin green

I once again grovel at your feet o master. The Spirits of JUdo inspired Shinto contests have allowed me to thankyou for continuing to enlighten the remnants of my personality. Next time I compete in a Shinto contest I ,Kevin Green will Bow extra hard for my contact with the deity that is in charge of my religous inspiration . Are you just a master or are you a (gasp) grandmaster. And if we went fishing sometime and you were to bait my hook for me, O master, would that make you a master- baiter or would you be considered a Grand master- baiter?
I must go grovel and kow-tow elsewhere now as my new knee pads have just arrived and I must make sure the Spirits approve of them.

Lizard

I can't wait to see you banned.

On another topic: "The Ninja Scholarship does not discriminate against anybody (regarding race, religion, social status, poop size, disability, gender or any other non-relevant features) and that's a fact! Only one winner will be chosen. "

__________________
Enemies Strengthen,
Allies weaken.

kevin green

But I really have converted .Its just that I need more advice on how to think right.
You just have to give me more time to persuade the remnants of my personality to agree to abandon any kind of lucid thinking.

If I were to repeat your gems of wisdom would that be considered squealing?

And for walleyes how should you bait the hook?

Lizard

I thought there was no place on this great and glorious site where I could post this low-quality (but hilarous) story. Luckily I saw one of your threads! Enjoy!

The Ultimate Battle





Scene 1:

Dark smoke fills the scene and pump up music slowly gets louder. The audience sees a ninja and his girlfriend eating at a super expensive restaurant. The girlfriend is so hot that steam is coming out of her mouth or hair. Some old idiot is sitting by the couple. The idiot is giving the girlfriend "the eye" and popping like 16 boners. But the ninja sees the boners and the music really pumps up. The audience knows this guy is dead meat for sure. But out of nowhere, the old idiot pulls off his jacket to show that he is a pirate with lasers and everything. The ninja is like yeah right who cares and then pops the biggest boner ever, bigger than the biggest blackest boner alive. The ninja's boner smashes the entire restaurant. Every single one of the pirate's boners explodes while making a whistling sound. The ninja looks back at his girlfriend. She smiles and they pork.


END

-While writing this script, I head-butt my dog so hard that we both screamed.

PS this storie comes from the greatest site ever: http://www.realultimatepower.net/

__________________
Enemies Strengthen,
Allies weaken.

Lizard

Here's another one:

The King's Gold/Babes





Scene 1:

In the olden days, there was this sweet king that had mounds of gold and babes. These pirates decided to steal the mounds and surrounded the castle and everybody freaked, except the king who was like “Chill homies, I’ll handle this crap.”




The pirates stood outside the castle walls and were like “You think you are so cool, but guess what, you’re not. Good luck dying!” Then the king replied “Yeah right. How would you like to meet my best friends?”




Then out of nowhere there was a small sound of a guitar wailing really really hard behind the hills. The wailing started getting louder and louder and louder. Then out of nowhere there was this one sweet ass ninja standing on top of a huge hill. Everybody was like “Woooooooooooow!” He was wearing all black and he had this jet red guitar in his hands. Then smoke smoked over the hills like trains. But the smoke was ninjas. And the pirates saw about a billion ninjas with guitars standing on top this his huge hill. And they started to wail…




When the ninjas wailed on their guitars, the pirates started spraying diarrhea on each other and loved it. And when they wailed harder, the pirates sprayed harder. As the ninjas sauntered down the hill, the pirates’ chests and butts exploded. (They died from this.) Then the ninjas finally reached the boss pirate who was really huge. Out of nowhere the boss pirate pulled out this baby banjo and tried to fiddle with it like a little baby-baby. The ninjas were like “Yeah right.” and all the billions of ninjas surrounded the boss pirate. Half of the ninjas all combined to form the biggest guitar in the universe. The other half formed the second biggest boner in the universe. Then the huge guitar pointed right at the pirate, who was like “Holy CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!” Before the pirate could even do anything, the super boner slapped against the guitar making the hugest wail ever to happen anywhere ever. The pirate exploded so hard that every single one of his kids he would have had exploded and all of his grandparents exploded along with his neighbors and people who he merely said “hello” to.




Then there was this huge concert at the castle. All the babes in the castle morphed into this humongous female crotch. The huge boner and crotch porked softly, while slamming into the guitar and wailing. And guess what, the king sat on top of this huge pile of gold and babes and laughed his frigg’n ass off about how stupid the pirates were.



END




-this script is so hot it could make Janet Reno open up a paint can with her ding dong.

__________________
Enemies Strengthen,
Allies weaken.

Lizard

And another:

The Pirate Dance




SCENE 1:



The scene opens up with some soft annoying music to get the audience super pissed. The camera will show a bunch of pirates eating chicken buttholes. Fortunately, a ninja sees everything and realizes what a bunch of bull crap it is. So this one ninja walks up to them and is like, “Yo what’s your problem?” The camera zooms directly on a pirate’s mouth, which states “Get out of here now.” and buttholes fall all over the silverware. Then the camera cuts to the ninja’s mouth with says “No,” but nothing gross happens. The audience then sees ninja pull out a huge guitar which is really medium sized and wails. But the pirates don’t explode, they start to dance.........hard, harder than the hardest blackest boner alive. And when they dance, the pirates look like a bunch of crabby and stupid moms. Everybody in the entire world craps their pants laughing at the pure stupidity of the pirates. But the ninja has A.D.D. and starts losing energy/power and the pirates start stopping dancing. (There will be some suspense filled violins and guitars playing so that the audience gets scared and/or pumped-scared.) In several motions, the pirates come toward the ninja. BUT, out of nowhere this bad ass lake appears and a huge hippo busts out of it hard. Water sprays everywhere, including the pirates’ shirts (which causes their boobs to barely appear through their shirts). Most pirates are like “This can’t be happening!” The hippo says “Guess what, it is.” and slaps five with ninja pretty hard. And the ninja says “let’s rock brother.” They both pull out expensive guitars and start wailing on them really really hard. Since the ninja can’t concentrate, the hippo thoughtfully guides his hand, because they are blood brothers till the end of time and space. Then the pirates all morph into this tiny diaper and the hippo and ninja morph into a super poop-filled baby that takes the biggest frigg’n dump in the pirate/diaper. The pirates’ scream turns into a crap-gargle (this will make audience laugh gregariously). The ninja's A.D.D. heals and the two buddies/brothers smoke cigarettes and get ice-cream and pop, which they enjoy a lot.





The End



-I don’t know how anybody can tolerate pirates after reading this stuff.

__________________
Enemies Strengthen,
Allies weaken.

Lizard

Some ghost stories too:


The Gurgle





Apparently, there was this ninja who was hanging out with some kid. They played basketball and ate hamburgers together. One day the kid was like “Do you want to hear something that will mess up your life?”

The ninja was like “What are you talking about?”

“A real live ghost story,” said the kid.

“O.K.” said the ninja.

Then the kid began…“These two buddies were eating tacos together one night at a bar and it was raining really hard (outside). They were just talking. Then all of a sudden, there was a noise, like a gurgle or squirt. The buddies were like “What the heck is that?” And guess what…it happened again! They were both completely freaked out. (One buddy couldn’t even finish his meal.) They briefly looked around the bar for clues, but they never found out what it was. And both buddies went home scared to death.”



After hearing the ghost story, the ninja was so scared that he grabbed the kid and spanked him until both parties squirted urine.




The Playaz





In some other state, there were some basketball players hanging out in the forest after a big game. One player said “This forest reminds me of some scary stuff I heard.” And the other said “What happened?”



“Well these two buddies, like you and I, were hanging out, just like now, and out of nowhere they heard something. Since they were big, like you and me, they didn’t get scared. Apparently, the noise was coming from behind an old door. Together the buddies slowly opened the door. BOOM! There was a grown up standing right there. Then it turned around and talked. But the buddies couldn’t understand, because it had the voice of a teeny little baby! “Holy Crap!” said one buddy “Frigg’n run!” And they did.”



After hearing the story, one player said “Wow!” Needless to say, a ninja over-heard the entire thing and got pretty scared/mad. The ninja didn’t understand the feelings inside him and went berserk (this is common for people). In conclusion, the players were speechless when the ninja beat their butts.



Le Big Party





In some cave chalk full of hippos, there was this ninja. All the hippos gathered for a story. The ninja began with a warning: “If any hippo here cannot handle this type of crap, I suggest leaving you leave right now.” And some actually did. Then he began.

“All right listen. These old children were just goofing around once in a playground: sports and talking and stuff. Nobody wanted any trouble, even the unconfident kids. Well, there was this crackle and everybody looked up. Something shiny. Then this UFO flopped on the soccer field. One kid was like “What the heck?” And then its side door busted open and fog creamed out. The principle freaked out and tripped, spilling his guts on a table. Nobody knew anything about anything. Then there was this rolling sound getting louder and louder and quieter and finally louder. Out of the UFO, popped this giant can. It rolled past the soccer field and hit a pole. By the time they realized it was a keg of beer, the UFO zapped into space. Well guess what, somebody brought a radio and turned it on loud. Then one kid grabbed Dixie cups from her duffle bag. Everybody went berserk in a good way and partied hard. Little was understood that day, but, boy, did those kid party.”



The ninja, having scared himself, beat his own ass in a paradoxical way. It was quite confusing for the hippos. But they were mature--they didn’t try to make sense out of non-sense. The hippos moved on, accepting those things they cannot change and surrounded themselves with only positive energy. By not defining what happened that day (or even themselves--their relation to it), they never limited their understanding and they never limited themselves.

__________________
Enemies Strengthen,
Allies weaken.

Lizard

Seppuku with a frisbee





Seppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can’t find anybody else to kill. Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselves—guns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc.—and don’t even think twice about it. These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often for no reason at all: that’s why we there are so few ninjas today.


But if you want to commit Seppuku and you’re like me, you don’t have access to stuff like lasers. But there’s hope. I tried to kill myself by swallowing a frisbee a couple of times—and believe me, it’s pretty cool. The only catch is you have to be really super pissed to do it.



Step 1 Get a frisbee from the store or friend.

Step 2 Clean the Frisbee.

Step 3 Make sure your parents aren’t around

Step 4 Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.

Step 5 Get really super pissed.

Step 6 Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)

Step 7 Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.

Step 8 Push hard until you can’t see it.

Step 9 Wait.

Step 10 Die.

If you succeed, everybody will be like “Holy Crap!”

__________________
Enemies Strengthen,
Allies weaken.

RobertG

Hey Lizard have you seen the video of the ninja kid doing his ninjitsu? Its somewhere on his site--you've got to check it out.

kevin green

And whoever said that smoking methamphetamine was bad for you?

Lizard

Robert Hamburger has a black belt in Street Fighter 2 and a second degree black belt in Mortal Kombat 1-3. He can kick or punch the wall without feeling pain. He has studied ninjas for several weeks and has watched a bunch of movies about them. Robert lives with a bunch of hot babes and porks them whenever he wants.

__________________
Enemies Strengthen,
Allies weaken.

kevin green

Speaking of pork.You do squeal like a pig! I have started a new sport where we worship smoked ribs ? Is that what you mean. Leg humping suckup bootlicking hero worshippers?
Do you think the crime rate would go down if the cops didn't have to take time to dress up in their little ninja suits?

RobertG

Hey Lizard, speaking of porking hot babes, did you catch the Britney and Madonna make out session the other night?

I hear Robert Hamburger planned to flip out and kill everyone in the place so he could pork Britney, Madonna and Christina. But then his mom grounded him.