TTEscrima

Admit it Dick, this is you, isn't it.

Stoner Interviewed About UFO Sighting video

DickHardman

if it wasnt for the fact that id get banned for posting it, this would be one of those moments were id totally post that picture of myself drinking the newcastles to show you that i am not like that stoner dude in the video, who actually seems like a cool guy, but im a muscular african american construction worker who likes to dress nice, train in martial arts, lift weights, and drink newcastles.

TTEscrima

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $1,500 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look big?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your a$$ with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

Mike Brewer

That's hysterical! If you don't knock it off, I'm never going to be able to pay down my rep-debt to you!

Tant01

Oh man.... That's just hysterical...

:::wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes:::

__________________
While the old form, jujutsu, was studied solely for fighting purposes, Kano's new system is found to promote the mental as well as the physical faculties.

T. Shidachi, 1892

TTEscrima

YouTube - A Marine and a Cab Driver.

Hysterical.

Tant01

Few things piss off a Marine more than nothing to shoot at...

__________________
While the old form, jujutsu, was studied solely for fighting purposes, Kano's new system is found to promote the mental as well as the physical faculties.

T. Shidachi, 1892

migo

A leper walks into a bar and sits down beside another patron who's eating nachos. The bartender comes up and asks, "What'll it be?" The leper answers, "I'll have a beer." The bartender comes back with a mug full of beer and looks visibly sick. The leper says, "If I'm bothering you, maybe I should just go." The bartender replies, "No, no, it's not you."

The leper finishes his beer, and calls the bartender over for a second one. The bartender brings it over, and as he hands it to the leper, he visibly retches. The leper says, "You know, if I'm bothering you I'll just leave." The bartender replies, "No, really, it isn't you."

The leper finishes his second beer, and calls the bartender over for another one. This time, as the bartender comes over, he just can't contain himself and doubles over puking all over the floor. The leper says, "You know what, it's summer time and it makes a bad smell, I'll just go." The bartender answers, "No, it really isn't you. The guy next to you is dipping his nachos in your back."

TTEscrima

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one,
and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He phoned Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

TTEscrima

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asks the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to ‘Christ'.

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So, I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'

'Oh, my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother Superior!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

Mike Brewer

Best one yet!

TTEscrima

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Navy SEALs. You know one of their nicknames is 'Those SEAL Dogs.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country doing Black Ops,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Teams (8 dog years is 56 Team years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a poser... He never did any of that shit. He was in the Fleet!'

TTEscrima

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY


Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

TTEscrima

Mike Brewer

I'd love to see their Navy recruitment video...