TTEscrima

A older male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, its important to me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the Jcovers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very carefully. A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"


If you have nonconcentual sex with a hooker, is it rape or is it shoplifting?

If I bet a hooker $200 she can't make me cum, can I also be charged with gambling?

What do you call a midget who walks across a muddy street twice? A low down, dirty double crosser.

Jesus walks into an Inn late one nite with three nails in his hand and asks the innkeeper,"Can you put me up for the nite?"

A mushroom walks into a bar.... The bartender says to the mushroom, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies, "Hey! What's the problem? I'm a fun guy...... get it "fun-gi"...."fungi"... no?

What's 12" and hangs from an asshole?
Bill Clinton's tie.

What do Tupperware and Eskimos have in common?
They both like tight seals.

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no ropes allowed." The rope walks out, and thinks of a way to disguise himself. He ties himself up, roughs himself at his ends, and walks back in. The bartender kinda scowls at him and says, "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out of here a second ago?" The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

An Irishman walks out of a pub....

Hey, it could happen...

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What is a Yankee?
Same thing as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.


JFK, Nixon, and Ted Kennedy are on a yacht when it suddenly begins to sink....

"Women and children first," yells JFK...

"**** 'em," replies Nixon...

Ted Kennedy asks...... "Do we have time?"


What d'ya get when ya cross a Mormon with a Mexican?

A guy with a basement full of stolen groceries.



What's the difference between a homo and a refrigerator?

The fridge doesn't fart when the meat's taken out.

Why do meth heads only **** doggy style?

So they can both look out the window at the same time.


Why do guys from Montana like to **** looking out over the edge of a cliff?

Makes the sheep back up.

Mike Brewer

I think those are safe. Hysterical! I'll leave them up until we get complaints. Risky, I realize to rest my hopes on the notion that no one will wander into a forum for military and law enforcement and get all twisty-panties over some vuglarity...

What can I say? I'm an optimist.

TTEscrima

What 12 inches long, blue, and makes women cry...?


Crib Death.


What's 18 inches long and can make a woman scream all night?


Dead baby in a crib.


What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.

How do you get 100 dead babies in a bucket?
With a blender.

How do you get them out again?
Tortilla chips!!!!

What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a wall?

Ripping them down!

What grosser than a pile of dead babies?

A live one on the bottom eating its way out!

What's blue and comes in a bag?

A dead baby in a zip lock.

What's green and comes in a bag?

Same baby 3 months later!

How do you unload a dumpster full of dead babies?

With a meat hook!


What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and one of light bulbs?
You can't unload the light bulbs with a pitchfork.

Whats funnier than swinging a dead baby on the end of a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.

How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don't know either, I lost track of time because I was too busy beating off...

Why do you have to boil water when a woman's in labor?

If the baby's born dead, you can make soup.


What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

Nailing it to a puppy.

what's the best thing about fucking twenty-six year olds?

There are 20 of them.

What's the meanest thing you can do to a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel.".

Did you know Princess Di was on the radio?
And the steering wheel, and the dashboard...

What did Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling

What didn't Steve Irwin wear sunblock?
He found it didn't protect him from harmful rays

What is usually the first symptom of AIDS?
A pounding in the ass

How did AIDS travel across the country?

In the back of a Murcury

What do you call a fag in a wheelchair?

Roll-AIDS

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?
Acne doesn't come on a boy's face til he's at least 12.

What do you call an Afghan virgin?
Never bin Laid On

A pedophile and a small boy are walking into the woods at night, the boy says "I'm scared" and takes the pedophiles hand. The pedo says "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says "I need to buy some condoms for my twelve year old daughter."

Shocked, the pharmacist says "Don't tell me your twelve year old daughter is sexually active?!?"

The guy says "Active? Nah, she just kind of lies there like her mother."

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting God?"

The Pedo replies: "To hell with God, I'm after the baby Jesus."

TTEscrima

You spoke too soon, trust me.

Tom Yum

Lmao!!!!

__________________

Love it, leave it or fix it.

7r14ngL3Ch0k3

that was funny!!!

wrong forum

kingoftheforest

The first set was hilarious but...and by no means am I complaining in any way....

WTF is wrong with you on that second set. Jeebus Crist man.

__________________
These opinions and views described above may not be the opinion of forum moderators or owners. These are owned only by this forum member protected by his 1st amendment rights. You do not have to agree with these views.

This punch is heavier than life.
Treat other people as you would like to be treated

[

TTEscrima

Hey don't blame me, those were jokes from a bunch of Rangers.

There does seem to be shortage of Marine jokes though, guess I should fix that.

Things every Sailor needs to know about the USMC: Uncle Sams Misguided Children.

Marine: My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.

There are only two things in the Dept.of the Navy with Lids, Garbage cans and Marines.

A little boy is walking down the street when he sees a Marine in full dress uniform leaving a comic book store. The little boy excitedly runs up and begins to question the Marine. "WOW!! Are you a real live Marine that travels to foreign countries and kills people?" The Marine proudly replies "That's right son, wanna wear my hat?" And puts his hat on the little boys head. The little boy is delighted and runs off wearing the Marines hat, he then sees a drunken Sailor stagger out of a bar. The little boy runs up and asks excitedly "Are you a real live Sailor that travels the world and has a girlfriend in every port?" The Sailor says "Dam right, wanna suck my cock?" The little boy says, "Oh, I'm not a Marine, I'm just wearing his hat!"

DickHardman

as long as we are posting dirty jokes and material for now....


may i submit 2 songs by 2 short, listen to story too short tells in each one, 2 of the most ridiculous, obscene tracks ever recorded. delete them if you need to, but listen to the words. i cant believe that production, recording, etc....all that went into making these 2 songs....lol....

YouTube Video

DickHardman

YouTube Video

kingoftheforest

What's the first thing a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None she should have it open when she brings it to you.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing you just told her twice.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

Why do men cum before women?

Who fucking cares.


What does a girl from west V.A. say after sex?

Dad get off of me you're crushing my cigarettes.

What do you get when you put 32 west Virginian women in a room together?

A full set of teeth.

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded son?

Sum Ting Wong.

Why doesn't G.W. Bush eat shit sandwiches?

He doesn't like bread.

Three blondes walk into a bar.

You think one of them would have saw it.

__________________
These opinions and views described above may not be the opinion of forum moderators or owners. These are owned only by this forum member protected by his 1st amendment rights. You do not have to agree with these views.

This punch is heavier than life.
Treat other people as you would like to be treated

[

TTEscrima

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-staff?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Tennessee farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in Kentucky schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the Cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the & F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern Fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' and a southern Fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife Laura.

The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order.

''I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil,'' answers the President.

''But sir, what about the mad cow?!!'' asks the waiter.

''Oh,'' answers Dubya, ''she'll order for herself.''

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

TTEscrima

During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.

The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."




The Navy found they had too many men and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".



This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers ... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge"

TTEscrima

An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."


This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.

When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and—bang!—knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden—bang!—the big guy knocks him down again, this time saying, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

Deciding he’s had enough of this, the little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the premises.

He’s gone for an hour before he returns and—crash!—he knocks the big guy right off his stool to the ground, where he lies unconscious.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When that big jackass comes to, you can tell him that was a tire iron—from Target.”



A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capitalism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, and the people from the future are in deep shiit.!!!"

DickHardman

no the people of the future are doing fine, as they obviously control the past and are coming back through time to do things like assassinate jfk or buy sports almanacs to take back into time to give their younger self so they could win tons of money and change their future to that of a billionaire like in back to the future.