MT: Am I overreacting?

[Knowledge Bot]

Am I overreacting? By ceaer - 08-13-2009 11:17 AM

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I'm having some problems with a fellow student, to the point where I simply do not want to work with him any more. But before I make a big deal out of it, either by confronting him more clearly or speaking to an instructor, I'm looking for some feedback as to if I'm just taking things too personally or if I have a valid complaint.

I'm 18 and female, he's roughly 45 and male, which I think is contributing to the problems as my 19 yr old female friend has had identical problems with him, but none of the teenage boys have had issues (that I know of; I don't want to jump to conclusions and am planning on discreetly asking some of them about it at tonight's class). I mainly have problems with him on sparring days. Last night was one such day. I haven't been paired with him on sparring days in a while, mainly because I go out of my way to end up with any partner other than him because he makes me so angry.

Last night, the instructors were switching people around instead of just saying 'change partners' and letting us pick, and I ended up with him to work a drill pattern. It was 1-for-1, I'd attack and he'd block, and then he'd attack and I'd block. The person attacking was working speed and accuracy, the person defending was working on front hand blocks, cutting angles to get out of the way, etc. In other words: there was no counterattacking. Or at least, there wasn't supposed to be. So he attacked, I blocked; then I attacked and he punched me in the throat. So I said "it's 1-for-1!" meaning "it's a drill, work the drill!" to which he replied "I was trying to block." Now, in my opinion, sticking your arm straight out so that your fist ends up in someone's throat, is a pretty poor attempt at a block. He's not a newbie either, he knows how to block properly. I didn't want to argue with him, so I just said "fine" and we went back to the drill.

Cue next issue. After each time he was the attacker, he would put his hand on my shoulder or my back, like he was apologizing for hitting me. I do not like being touched, even ignoring how condenscending he was being by doing that. He does that whenever I am paired with him and he does it to my friend also and it makes me really angry. I kept shrugging his hand off and he was sort of snickering like he thought I was being ridiculous.

He's also very Jekyll-and-Hyde: like last night, he often seems to regret hitting me. It's sparring. He's supposed to hit me. I only got angry when he punched me because we were doing a DRILL that did not involve him counterattacking. I wanted to work the drill, not worry about him punching me. But on the other hand, he often hits very hard or will continue hitting after it's reasonable to stop. It was a little crowded a couple weeks ago, and he kicked me backwards into a wall. And then kept hitting me, despite the fact I was pinned against the wall and so couldn't evade, and despite the fact it was light flow, which is supposed to be about 60% power, it's more working the drills in a free-moving situation.

So I don't understand it. If he feels like he needs to apologize each time he hits me, you would think he wouldn't then try and pound me through the wall. One of the other, or better yet, be a normal person and spar properly. And work the drills, obey the rules of light flow, don't invent your own things.

It really makes me angry, but I sort of feel like if I try and talk to him about it he'll act like I'm overreacting or making a mountain out of a molehill. It doesn't help that he's a child psychiatrist. I feel like he's analyzing me whenever I talk to him.

Sorry for the essay; thoughts, anyone?


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MartialTalk.com Post Bot - Women's Self-Defense Feed

[Garland]

talk to the instructor alone candidly. you're paying money to go to classes just like him. who the hell knows what his intentions are, just don't work with him anymore if you don't feel safe with him. the other option is to catch him back with something mean when he steps out of line, such as a well placed, well timed groin shot or elbow to the eye (if he can "just block" so can you...but be discrete and make sure to do it out of a flow and commit to it...this is battery if you get caught, don't.). If he has to go to the hospital and get his face stiched up, it could probably teach him to work what he's supposed to and not spend his time in class looking for an excuse to hit women.

I am telling you despite the fact that sometimes I get called out as being "that guy". Who knows...maybe you need to sit him down after class and address your concerns with him first. Don't feel intimidated by his occupation, psychology is bullshit. (I have a degree in it, I know)

[ProKarateShop]

honestly, it may sound wrong, but I would fight fire with fire.. if you are in a self defense class, you are not there to be friends.. use this situation as a "dress rehearsal" for a self-defense situation.

[Nancy08]

Yes friend, I agree with the two members above. Know your rights.

"Murder begins where self-defense ends. "

"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "





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[ProKarateShop]

that was funny.. I have to use that one

[WildWest.]

Originally Posted by ProKarateShop

honestly, it may sound wrong, but I would fight fire with fire.. if you are in a self defense class, you are not there to be friends.. use this situation as a "dress rehearsal" for a self-defense situation.

You could do that but then it starts being about ego and vendetta's. No decent MA or SD class should have students who are at odds with each other. You are there to learn, not make enemies. Besides, why would you train somewhere with people you don't like? Why do anything with people you don't like?

This is how students get injured and drop out and then everyone loses because, when I train, I need my fellow students to be fit and healthy so that we both benefit from training together. Creating rifts and tension does nothing for the class morale, people drop out, cliques are created and the club eventually goes down the toilet.

The young lady who posted the article should not be training with the 45 year old man. It's obvious he has no idea how to train with her and should stick to training with other men. She, however, does need to train with guys so should talk to the instructor to find other male members of the class that she can effectively train with.

[shaolin-warrior]

Sounds to me like this guy is a bit of a bully, use your verbal sparring skills. Address this situation in class in front of his peers, fellow classmates and instructor. Tell him to lighten up, tell him you don't like training with him because he is too aggressive. Tell him you are having a problem learning the techniques because you are too afraid that he is going to hurt you. Saying this in front of everyone makes your instructor and fellow students aware of what seems obvious to you, but unnoticed to them. Trust me, a good instructor will then keep an eye on this guy’s level of aggression, and fellow students will now begin to see him thru your eyes and be watchful. Now that this guy has been thrown under the bus, he'll have to be careful with how he treats you in class, because everyone is watching. Good Luck.

[Garland]

I think being discrete and talking with him first is probably the best move...keep it in house between you, him, and if necessary, the instructor. If that doesn't fly, then and only then shame him in front of the class.

Maybe just talking to him candidly is better than throwing him under the bus?

[reedk]

If that jerk does that again try kick him in the nuts and just say you just " reacted" trying to block. I'm sure he will never do that again in class.



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[quabatrud]

Cheers!
Valikie
Out of the many posts, this one attract my attention. I believe it is possible for anyone to participate.
Excellent ! I like it very much.

[Mist]

In my opinion the self defense classes of 45-old men along with 18-old girls are ridiculous from the very beginning. The age if not sex really matters in such things.

Moreover, like Garland said, you're paying money to go to the classes, so feel free to talk to your instructors about your feelings toward the man!

[WildWest.]

For an 18 year old girl to learn self defence, she needs to train against men in order to get some idea of reality......maybe not overly aggressive 45yr old men with chips on their shoulders, but men nonetheless.

[reedk]

Accidental private part touching or grabbing i can accept but not intentional. That's a no-no. Still need to respect the women even while training with them.

[WildWest.]

Reedk,

Perhaps that comment is not directed at me, but I do not condone touching a woman inappropriately during training......there's realism and then there is unlawful sexual connection.

Don't try and put words into my mouth.

[reedk]

Not meant at you Wildwest. I don't believe that you would need to train with men. Training with all women can still simulate real life situations with men, especially if there are some strong women in the classes.

BTW-I don't put words in any ones mouth