Tweet
New York Times
When the Bully Sits in the Next Cubicle
~ By Tara Parker-Pope
But let me make some small changes:
An eye roll, a glare, a dismissive snort — these
are the tactics of the dojo bully. They don’t
sound like much, but that’s why they are so
insidious. How do you complain to anyone
that your sensei is picking on you?
Here’s another quote, with the same changes in bold:
"Unlike the playground bully, who often resorts to
physical threats, the dojo bully sets out on a
course of constant but subtle harassment. It may
start with a belittling comment at a staff
meeting. Later it becomes gossip to students and
forgetting to invite someone to an important work
event. If the bully is a supervisor, victims may
be stripped of critical duties, then accused of
not doing their job, says Gary Namie, founder of
the Workplace Bullying Institute, an advocacy
group based in Bellingham, Wash."
Does this happen inside the dojo? Yes, it does. I have seen it and experienced it. I know the aroma and taste of that poison very well. As a Child Care professional in the Fostering system and in High School Behaviour programs, I was face to face with bullying every day, and not just from the kids. I have seen a principal reduce a teacher to tears in front of her whole class. I have seen social workers bully insecure parents. So I recognise it in the dojo when it happens.
You might expect that dojo bullying is only on the floor using physical intimidation to harass and suppress others. But non-physical social bullying is often found in the dojo as well.
The main defence a bully has when charged with being a bully is (gasp) increased attacks on your intelligence and mental stability, all by innuendo of course.
“...constant but subtle harassment...a belittling comment” - this defines the crux of the problem. With “subtle belittling” the victim has no solid ground to stand on to fight back.
“Why did you disrespect me?” is answered:
~ “What do you mean? I didn’t disrespect you.” which means, You are so paranoid, delusional or ultra sensitive that you see disrespect when there is none. Since it is subtle, and powerful, back up from others who were present is usually lacking.
~ “You misunderstood me.” which means, see how stupid you are? You can’t even understand ordinary English!
~ “Can’t you take criticism?” A straw man argument if there ever was one. Shift the topic from belittling to criticism, because we should all be ready to take criticism for our own good. And if we perceive the bullying in the implied criticisms, and respond to it, we are letting our ego get in our way. Isn’t it the sensei’s job to get us past ego based thinking?
All of these things and more have been used against me in a dojo. I remember many years ago all the brown and black belts of the dojo were brought to a meeting to solve a problem and every one but me and one buddy got the full agenda. The problem was to get us all to sign-on to 20 new rules. I listened to everyone agree that these new rules were reasonable and fair. I got up and told them I was out of there and started to walk out. They prevailed upon me to give my reasons and since some seemed genuine in their confusion about my attitude, I spoke up.
Needless to say, it took an hour of fending off ad hominem arguments attacking my ability to understand because of my ego and various mental instabilities like paranoia, until most of the group realised my buddy and I were the only ones effected by these new rules and they could see their deeper onerous nature. It was the beginning of the end for us in that dojo...
Whether in the work place or the dojo, if you are the only one to take a stand against it, you are labelled a trouble maker. If this persists, it will be stated, out of concern for you of course, that if you dislike it so much, you are free to leave. The others watching will inevitably get the message to stay quiet and wear it when it is their turn or they too will be shipped out, even though they know the bullies attitude, though paramount, is skilfully obscured by the supposed “issues.”
Researchers at the State University of New York in New Paltz have developed a survey aimed at identifying the full range of behaviours that can constitute bullying. (For a list, go to http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/). Some of the behaviors — glaring, failing to return calls, not praising a worker — may seem trivial, but they take a toll when repeated over and over again.
[Note: the nature of a blog is that older articles are buried deeper in the list.]
If you are being bullied at work, here are some references you may find useful:
When the Bully Sits in the Next Cubicle
~ By Tara Parker-Pope
An eye roll, a glare, a dismissive snort — these
are the tactics of the workplace bully. They don’t
sound like much, but that’s why they are so
insidious. How do you complain to human resources
that your boss is picking on you? Who cares that a
co-worker won’t return your phone calls?
Bullying in the workplace is surprisingly common.
In a survey released last fall, 37 percent of
American workers said they had experienced
bullying on the job, according to the research
firm Zogby International.
are the tactics of the workplace bully. They don’t
sound like much, but that’s why they are so
insidious. How do you complain to human resources
that your boss is picking on you? Who cares that a
co-worker won’t return your phone calls?
Bullying in the workplace is surprisingly common.
In a survey released last fall, 37 percent of
American workers said they had experienced
bullying on the job, according to the research
firm Zogby International.
An eye roll, a glare, a dismissive snort — these
are the tactics of the dojo bully. They don’t
sound like much, but that’s why they are so
insidious. How do you complain to anyone
that your sensei is picking on you?
Here’s another quote, with the same changes in bold:
"Unlike the playground bully, who often resorts to
physical threats, the dojo bully sets out on a
course of constant but subtle harassment. It may
start with a belittling comment at a staff
meeting. Later it becomes gossip to students and
forgetting to invite someone to an important work
event. If the bully is a supervisor, victims may
be stripped of critical duties, then accused of
not doing their job, says Gary Namie, founder of
the Workplace Bullying Institute, an advocacy
group based in Bellingham, Wash."
Does this happen inside the dojo? Yes, it does. I have seen it and experienced it. I know the aroma and taste of that poison very well. As a Child Care professional in the Fostering system and in High School Behaviour programs, I was face to face with bullying every day, and not just from the kids. I have seen a principal reduce a teacher to tears in front of her whole class. I have seen social workers bully insecure parents. So I recognise it in the dojo when it happens.
You might expect that dojo bullying is only on the floor using physical intimidation to harass and suppress others. But non-physical social bullying is often found in the dojo as well.
The main defence a bully has when charged with being a bully is (gasp) increased attacks on your intelligence and mental stability, all by innuendo of course.
“...constant but subtle harassment...a belittling comment” - this defines the crux of the problem. With “subtle belittling” the victim has no solid ground to stand on to fight back.
“Why did you disrespect me?” is answered:
~ “What do you mean? I didn’t disrespect you.” which means, You are so paranoid, delusional or ultra sensitive that you see disrespect when there is none. Since it is subtle, and powerful, back up from others who were present is usually lacking.
~ “You misunderstood me.” which means, see how stupid you are? You can’t even understand ordinary English!
~ “Can’t you take criticism?” A straw man argument if there ever was one. Shift the topic from belittling to criticism, because we should all be ready to take criticism for our own good. And if we perceive the bullying in the implied criticisms, and respond to it, we are letting our ego get in our way. Isn’t it the sensei’s job to get us past ego based thinking?
All of these things and more have been used against me in a dojo. I remember many years ago all the brown and black belts of the dojo were brought to a meeting to solve a problem and every one but me and one buddy got the full agenda. The problem was to get us all to sign-on to 20 new rules. I listened to everyone agree that these new rules were reasonable and fair. I got up and told them I was out of there and started to walk out. They prevailed upon me to give my reasons and since some seemed genuine in their confusion about my attitude, I spoke up.
Needless to say, it took an hour of fending off ad hominem arguments attacking my ability to understand because of my ego and various mental instabilities like paranoia, until most of the group realised my buddy and I were the only ones effected by these new rules and they could see their deeper onerous nature. It was the beginning of the end for us in that dojo...
“It can be damaging to be constantly dismissed in
front of your peers,” Dr. Neuman said. “The thing
that is upsetting about it is that people come to
expect it and say, ‘Well, this is what it’s like
around here.’ It shouldn’t be part of the culture,
but often it is.”
front of your peers,” Dr. Neuman said. “The thing
that is upsetting about it is that people come to
expect it and say, ‘Well, this is what it’s like
around here.’ It shouldn’t be part of the culture,
but often it is.”
Researchers at the State University of New York in New Paltz have developed a survey aimed at identifying the full range of behaviours that can constitute bullying. (For a list, go to http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/). Some of the behaviors — glaring, failing to return calls, not praising a worker — may seem trivial, but they take a toll when repeated over and over again.
[Note: the nature of a blog is that older articles are buried deeper in the list.]
If you are being bullied at work, here are some references you may find useful:
