Hmmm I have a question

[Ryu (non-working password]

I don't usually do this, but since I have copyrights and things on the way, would anyone like to take a look at a small excerpt from the story concept I'm writing?
I will paste a small excerpt from the second book during a fight scene (you may like it) and if you like, you could give me any comments, etc.
Now, keep in mind that the story is in the process of being written, and it's not "novel" quality right now..I'm just trying to get the story on paper, but I figured some of the forum members might like it. Anyone want to see a small sample?

Ryu

[Ryu (non-working password]

Okay here you go. This is an easy read, and not final draft material yet. But you'll get the jist of it. Background is this. This is from the second story, Spiro and his companions are trying to break Chinh out of a Talon (mercenary) prison which they serve. She has been thrown in there unjustly, and is the subject of a large conspiracy between the Talon Embassy and the Tu Corporation (evil guys). Spiro is "diseased" with something called Giyra serum... it is something everyone seems to want to get their hands on... Also.."Midnight Fox" refers to the underground resistence team made famous by Chinh's late father... enjoy... The three of them moved out, returning once again to Chinh’s cell block level. Keeping watch
down below, Saiya and Phong looked skyward to Spiro, as he made his way to Chinh’s iron cell.
Recognizing his face, Chinh opened her mouth in a wide smile of joy, and ran to the bars of her
cage.
“Spiro!” she burst out. “Oh thank God you’re safe!”
Spiro grabbed hold of her hands tightly from within the bars, and tried to bring his face as closely
as he could to her short breaths. “Chinh,” he gleamed, “let me get you out of here. It’s okay
now, but we have to move fast.”
“What the hell is going on in this place, Spiro?” Chinh asked in a dismayed frown. “John Tu was
here, I wanted to warn you so bad...”
“I know,” Spiro calmed, “I figured as much when I read this note.” He handed the written letter
over to Chinh. Her eyes scanned over it with a shocked glaze.
“Omega experiment? What does this mean? What did they do to me?” she asked trying to hold
back the immense pounding of her heart.
“I don’t know, but whatever they did to you, they did to me as well. We can figure this all out
later, but for right now we have to get you out of here.”
At that moment, with a startling thud, an earsplitting sound overtook them. The noise was a
familiar one to the Talon; that of an extravagant energy system suddenly charging on to full
power. With a terrified cry from below, Spiro noticed that an encasing force field had snared
Phong and Saiya together in a prison of their own. They examined the translucent walls of the
energy field around them, and called frantically to their Talon friend above.
“Spiro!” Saiya shouted, “did you throw a force field switch?!”
“I didn’t touch anything!” Spiro shouted down towards the entrapped Talons.
“We are trapped in this thing!” Saiya shouted up once again, “find the throw switch and get us
out of here!”
“How in the hell did it get turned on?” Spiro shouted his confusion. Almost in answer, a familiar,
and unconstrained voice drew the very breath from his lungs.
“I really did warn you about letting me catch you with this girl, Spiro.” Jericho smiled pervertedly.
The massive Talon stepped slowly from the shadows of the upper level, his clefted jowl twitching
in a grimace that was half malice and half twisted pleasure. The brown-clad Talon’s body was
incredibly built, and massively muscled. A sickening scratching noise filled the air forcing Spiro to
grit his teeth slightly. Looking down upon the floor, Spiro realized that Jericho humorously drug
the tips of his duo blades upon the steel grates, producing the bitter sound similar to that of
someone dragging their fingernails fiercly down the surface of a Talon classroom blackboard.
Spiro’s eyes raced to grasp the picture before him.
“Jericho!” he snarled vehemently.
“Hello, Spiro,” he said sarcastically, “I’m afraid I can’t allow you to escape with this prisoner.”
“Jericho, what in the hell are you doing?” Spiro yelled, placing his body infront of Chinh’s cell,
blocking it from him.
“Spiro, he’s one of them!” Chinh cried out in protest. “He was with John Tu when they forced
me in here! He’s been in on this the entire time, that’s why he is constantly reporting to the
Master Superior.”
“What?!” Spiro asked in a shocked horror.
“Ah I see the little woman has quite a mouth on her,” Jericho snapped, “I’d keep your mouth in
check, Midnight Fox, before I show you what a woman ought to use it for.”
“Jericho,” Spiro grew enraged by his words, “I don’t know what you are doing here, but I will
only warn you once. If you don’t turn around right now, I am going to kill you.”
“Really?” Jericho chuckled in amazement. “How ironic. It is my orders to deliver the same fate
to you, Spiro, old friend.”
Jericho pulled his twin blades upwards with a strong force, and slashed downward at Spiro’s head
and neck. The rookie Talon blocked the strike with his sword, but nearly buckled under the
misjudged strength of Jericho’s blow. Jericho whipped his second sword straight at Spiro’s heart,
missing as Spiro turned sideways just as the steel punctured the air beside him. The move opened
Spiro up for a heavy boot which caught him directly in the side of the face, and sent him crashing
to the steel-grated floor. Chinh let out a short scream, pulling upon the bars of her prison.
“Spiro!” she blurted as Jericho lifted him by his throat and forcefully slammed him again and again
into the iron bars of the jail. Spiro let loose a strong punch that turned Jericho’s head to the side.
Unphased, the massive mercenary threw Spiro single-handedly onto the railing of the cell block.
Spiro’s eyes caught a glimpse of the nauseating drop to the lower level. Below, Phong and Saiya
struck out at the force field confining them, but to no avail. Phong suddenly stopped, and turned
sulkingly to his side. Saiya shouted out at him at once.
“Phong what are you doing?! We have to find a way out of here!” she screamed.
“It really doesn’t matter...” Phong answered in a bitter tone.
Up above, Jericho lunged at Spiro a second time. The rookie Talon twisted his body out of the
way just as the fierce edge of Jericho’s blade slammed into the iron rail sending sparks flying up
into the dark air. The brown-clad Talon let out a laugh as he struck out with his swords again,
one after the other, knocking Spiro’s weapon aside. A strong headbutt drove Spiro down into a
pile of heavy wooden crates gathering dust in the corner of the prison. Chinh watched on in
horror, toiling in vain to break the large lock holding her prison gate shut.
“I am disappointed, Spiro!” Jericho snarled with the ferocious teeth of a wild animal. “Is this the
best you can do? I hope you see now that all your tough-guy ramblings were nothing but hot air!
You are a phony, Vo Duong! You think you can beat me? You could never beat me, Spiro!
Never!”
“Jericho,” Spiro panted from the ground, “you’re completely obsessed with me! This is your way
of rationalizing your damn jealousy of our sparring match nearly four years ago?! You’re insane!”
“I am completely sane,” Jericho began laughing, “this is about you and me, and no one else! I
hate you, Vo Duong. I always have, and I always will. I hate your voice, I hate the way you
look, I hate your damn views, I hate the shit you talk about, I hate your phony-ass tough guy
‘walk’. You’re nothing, Spiro! I’ve waited years for a reason to take your head off your
shoulders, and now that I have gotten it, I won’t trade it for the world!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Spiro shouted, “I got lucky in that match, I didn’t
gloat about it! Everything you have said is in your own head, you stupid bastard!”
“I was on top in this Embassy,” Jericho pointed his sword tip to Spiro’s throat, “everyone feared
me here. You ruined what I had here, Vo Duong. After that match, my reputation changed. It’s
going to take a lot for me to beat it back into people!”
“You’re absolutely crazy!” Spiro snapped back, “it was a damn training excercise! I could care
less about it!”
“Regardless,” Jericho said, “this gives me the opportunity to set everything right, as well as get rid
of all your damn whining about justice, and being ‘nice’ to women. Do you know how sick
everyone is of hearing you constantly drone on and on about it? It’s all you ever talk about! Shut
up! No one wants to hear about it anymore! Start living in the real world. It’s just a shame that
you won’t get a chance to do that now. And as far as your girlfriend, I promised you I’d show
her how to pleasure a real man. I’ll be keeping that promise...”
Jericho was struck suddenly in the face with a large wooden crate. Spiro had silently grabbed
hold of one during their brief interlude, and broken it to pieces over the head of the massive
mercenary. The force from the blow knocked Jericho down to the floor, inevitability dropping
both swords from his strong hands. Spiro dove at him in a fury, unleashing ferocious punches at
his grounded opponent. Jericho wrapped his legs around Spiro’s torso, and pulled him close as to
minimize the power of Spiro’s blows. Backing up, Spiro tried to move swiftly around the
defensive legs of the brown-clad Talon. With a shock, Jericho, still on his back, grabbed hold of
both Spiro’s ankles, and leveraged the young mercenary down to the ground as well. Jericho
stood up with a scramble, and darted towards his two floored blades. Spiro tackled him with a
strong double leg dive, taking him to the ground once again. The epic wrestling match between
the two had been born one more, and one final time. Jericho reversed Spiro, and pinned him
down with a heavy body. Spiro felt the hammering of Jericho’s strong fists across his face, and
chest. Covering up, Spiro turned to his side, and switched up to rest on his knees. Grabbing hold
of Jericho’s thigh, Spiro pulled himself up, and ran into the strong mercenary, his dangling leg still
in Spiro’s strong grasp. The two men collided heavily with an empy prison cell.
“So be it,” Jericho growled, “we’ll finish it as it should have been four years ago!” Jericho
grabbed hold of Spiro in a powerful headlock, and flipped him onto the familiar steel floor. It was
now Spiro’s turn to use his legs as a guard against Jericho’s grappling advances. Hooking his feet
against Jericho’s hip, Spiro pulled the mercenary’s arms off balance, and elevated the brown-clad
Talon high into the air. Jericho counter-balanced immediately, and brought himself back to a
stable position inbetween Spiro’s defensive legs. Spiro slammed the top of his elbow repeadedly
upon the unprotected skull of his dangerous opponent. With a roar, Jericho lifted up from Spiro’s
guard, and struck down with heavy fists. Spiro managed to cover himself up briefly, but caught
two punches which sent a ringing throughout his ears. He pushed Jericho backwards with his
legs, and connected a kick up to the large Talon’s face. The rookie Talon got to his feet, and
punched Jericho solidly across the jaw once, twice, and three times in succession. Jericho
clinched with him, slamming Spiro into another empty cell this time just inches away from
Chinh’s. She immediately placed her hands behind her head, and struggled to untie the sturdy
ribbon that kept her long hair in place behind her back. Slinging it free, Chinh shook her head as
her full hair regally overflowed out around her. For a brief minute in time, the likeness between
herself and her mother, Minh, was nearly identical. Chinh pressed herself hard against the bars of
her cell, shouting for Spiro to manuever Jericho towards her. Spiro, however, could not comply
as he dropped Jericho to the floor with a strong reaping technique. Jericho fell hard to the ground
with Spiro gaining the upper hand. Straddling him, Spiro sat upon his chest in a mounted
position, and struck furious fists into the unprotected face of the crazed Talon. The large
mercenary turned vigorously to his side in order to escape the hold, but in so doing, left his right
elbow slightly upwards. Spiro instinctively looped his arm through the space formed by Jericho’s
arm, and fell backwards into a straightened arm lock. Spiro placed his legs against the face and
chest of the mercenary, while keeping his knees together, ensuring that Jericho’s isolated arm
remained trapped between his thighs. With a mighty snap, Spiro arched his back, snapping the
capsule in Jericho’s elbow. An ugly crunching sound echoed through the cell block followed by
the angry and defeated scream of the massive Talon mercenary. Then, as quickly as it had started,
it was over. Spiro stood from the body of Jericho, and stumbled towards Chinh’s cell. With a
start, Chinh called out to him in warning.
“Spiro look out!” she gasped, but Jericho had already grabbed onto Spiro once again. With his
broken arm dangling at his side, Jericho still, almost superhumanly, pressed Spiro up to the bars of
Chinh’s cell. He unleashed a ferocious headbutt opening a large trail of blood along Spiro’s
forehead. Throwing Spiro to the ground once again, Jericho placed his back to the bars of
Chinh’s cage. He smiled hysterically.
“It’s not over yet, Spiro... I won’t stop until you’re dead... I won’t stop until you’re dead!”
Jericho’s insane pants came out in ugly gurgling breaths. Spiro clutched his head, and tried to
raise to his feet. Chinh, gripping tightly to her cord-like ribbon, looped it savagely around
Jericho’s throat. She pulled the massive Talon backwards, his back slamming against the rusted
bars of the cage. With a monsterous howl, Jericho gripped the suffocating tassel with his large
hands, and pulled Chinh into the cell bars. She would not relinquish her hold upon him, pulling
the contrictive ribbon even tighter.
“Spiro!” she cried out, “Now! Hurry!”
“Damn you, woman!” Jericho raged, his face turning red from anger and lack of oxygen. He got
little chance to worry about the situation, however, as Spiro, leaping upon him one final time,
finished him off with countless heavy-fisted strikes. The force from his blows nearly threw
Jericho out of Chinh’s grasp, and the Kupyan girl had to do all she could to keep from being
thrown with the inertia. Then with an unexpected crumble, Jericho fell unconsious to the floor
below. Chinh breathed out her heavy sighs of relief.
“Are you all right, Chinh?!” Spiro rushed to the bars.
“Just fine,” she smiled weakly, “it’s you we need to worry about.” Chinh gently wiped blood from
his head.
“I’ll be okay,” Spiro shook his head, “let me get you out of this thing.”
“Hey, Spiro!” Saiya’s voice shouted from below. With a start, Spiro realized that his friends were
still trapped within the force field set by Jericho. Running to the balcony, Spiro gazed down at
them. Saiya’s hands were on her hips. “How long are you planning to leave us in here?”
“Sorry!” Spiro shouted down, “Hold tight, I think I can turn it off!” Running to the darkened
corner from where Jericho had previously stepped, Spiro discovered a small throw switch
imbedded deeply within the wall. Flipping the switch, Spiro listened for the sound of the energy
field retracting itself, then raced back to the balcony to check Phong and Saiya’s situation.
Indeed, the switch had dissolved the confining prison around them. Waving down towards them,
Spiro motioned for the two to stand watch at the corridor doorway while he freed Chinh. Saiya
gave him a thumbs up signal and a bright smile. Phong simply stared away, not so much as
offering a mere gesture of relief. Spiro once again rushed to Chinh’s side. She stared happily at
him, but could not hide the concern in her eyes that stemmed from the fear of the circumstances
now made known to them.
“Let me get you out of here.” Spiro nodded.
“I’ve tried everything with that damn lock,” Chinh shook her head, “I don’t know what can break
it, do you have a key?”
“Chinh,” Spiro said as he concentrated his focus along the edges of the large lock, “get away from
the door.”
“What are you going to do?” She asked as she complied with his instructions.
Spiro curled his eyes into slits as his focus increased. The tips of his hair began to gently quiver.
Then with a deep growl, Spiro raised the palm of his hand over the lock, and yelled out with a
startling snarl. The lock shattered into pieces with a mighty explosion, and the unseen force from
Spiro’s body wrenched the prison door violently from its unconquerable position, nearly sending
it across the cell, and almost into Chinh herself. Spiro gasped in fear of the power, and dashed
inside.
“Are you okay?!” he clamored in concern. Chinh did not answer, and only looked upon him in
utter confusion and fright. Spiro lowered his eyes briefly, and stepped towards her gently, his
hand outstretched to her.
“Don’t be afraid.” he calmed her.
Looking on with astonished dismay, Chinh briefly hesitated from taking his hand, “what was
that?” she murmured.
“Chinh,” Spiro said searching her eyes, “listen to me. Back in your village the Tu Corporation
mentioned something about green emblems. Do you remember?”
Chinh weakly nodded her head.
“You need to know this about me before we go on any further...” Spiro explained taking off his
heavy, and blood stained Talon jacket. His undershirt clung tightly to his physique, accentuating
the large muscles of his body. Holding his naked forearms up to Chinh’s eye level, the green
emblems set deeply into his flesh seemed almost as some beautifully designed burn etched
artistically for all to see. Chinh’s breaths were quick, as her eyes struggled to focus. She looked
up at Spiro, and for a brief instant showed an empathetic saddness at the terrible secret he had
been forced to keep from her during the time they were together.
“This is what they wanted,” Spiro told her, “and I am not exactly sure, but I think whatever this is
has been the reason behind your mother’s disappearance, the destruction of your village, your
kidnapping, and my blurry past.”
“Have you always had it?” Chinh managed.
“No,” Spiro answered, “the emblems started when I was around 16 or so. I can’t remember
anything of why or how they came to be. I have no reccolection of what happened as an infant.
My memories started in the Talon Embassy, so I never questioned anything. Whatever the
Corporation wants with you involves me as well. Whatever the Omega, or Giyra means....it must
be us.”
“But I have no emblems anywhere on my body...nothing like that. I don’t feel different from just
a normal woman. Is something wrong with me?” Chinh breathed, still feeling mild shock at the
sight.
“Nothing is wrong with you,” Spiro shook his head, “but we need, now more than ever, to get to
the bottom of all this. I need you to trust me, Chinh.”
“I don’t know who to trust anymore...” she whispered.
“Me,” Spiro spoke softly, “I won’t ever let any harm come to you. I promise.”




[Edited by Ryu (non-working password on 01-11-2001 at 01:44 AM]

[YeLLa-TiGeR]

What is the time period for the story Ryu?

[Ryu (non-working password]

YeLLa,
this is a futuristic story. The technology they posess is beyond ours, but not incredibly fantastic...I'd say about a year like 2400 or something. But the thing is, you don't really know where the story takes place. Nothing suggests its earth, though the people are human, and things are somewhat familiar to what we see. Think of say a "final fantasy 8" kind of thing, or "Dune" type of setting...though Dune is a bit off, because it is too desert -ish.

What do you think?

Ryu

[Bau13]

can you say "videogame"?...heh

[Ryu (non-working password]

Bau,
do you not like the excerpt? The storyline itself is pretty unique if you read the whole thing through.

[duchman]

See Forum Rules (above) for
more information about what
codes you are allowed to use
in your posts

[sccr06]

Ryu,
Here are some thoughts I had after reading your excerpt. Take it with a grain of salt...

- I liked your discriptiveness especially in the early part of the story. You did a good job making the sounds, and sights vivid in the imagination of the reader.

- be careful with a couple of words you used. The ones that stuck in my mind were "extravagant" engery machine, Jericho's reply being "sarcastic" and Spiro "curling" his eyes to slits. I think in those instances there may be better words you can use.

- did some of the conversations you have engaged in on this forum influence you? heh heh

- I understood about explaining the guard the first time with Jericho pulling Spiro "close to him" to minimize punches but I couldn't help thinking it sounded funny after wrapping his legs around his torso. I don't know if you could really describe it any other way though.

I'm no critic so just take these comments for what they are worth. I did enjoy reading the story though. I liked it when Spiro got his armbar!

[dan downard]

O.K. I get to market all the action figure dolls,tee shirts,lunch boxes,and fan clubs.We are all gonna be rich.This is going to be HUGE in Japan!Yaa!

[Badger]

Cool!

When will we read the rest of the story.......







-Badger

[Ryu (non-working password]

sccr06,
thanks for the critique I appreciate it very much.
Actually to tell the truth, I am thinking the same thing you are. I do not like the word "extravagant" for example, and am going to change it. I kind of just threw it in there as a filler

Dan, I am trying to get into contact with Japanese companies like Gainax (Evangelion), and AIC which is one of the biggest in Japan. The story itself is just meant to be transfered into a visual display, so I hope I might do something with it.

Badger, the entire story is around 700 pages long!
It's broken up into a 5 part series. Each should be a "movie" of about 2 hours. Each part also is roughly 200 pages.

Thanks for the replies, keep them coming.

Ryu

[sccr06]

Ryu,

I think it will translate very well visually but I hope you are not discounting a stricly textual story. I think your writing style is very well suited to novel form.

[dan downard]

I can see this as the newest cartoon adventure series.
Or,a Sci Fi channel series.Sci Fi Channel.Contact them NOW!

[Bau13]

I'm just thinkin it would make a kick ass video game thats all..
Resident evil type..

[Ryu (non-working password]

Bau13,
I have actually given thought to that as well. Role-playing genre or something. I think though, that I'd really like to see it on film as a very well made computer animation, anime, etc.

Everyone, I really want to thank you for the input. Please continue giving me some feedback, even though I know this is only a small fraction of the story. Any critiques, comments, etc are welcome.
Thanks again.

Ryu