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Saw this on a website and it made me laugh.
Apologies if you've seen it before.
Apologies if you've seen it before.
“Can I Try Something On You?” Guy:
While rolling, this guy (who has never tapped you, and will never tap you) says something along the lines of “Hey, can I try something on you real quick? I just want to work out the mechanics on something…” He puts you in his rear mount, sinks the hooks in, and violently puts you in a choke AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE INSTRUCTOR WALKS BY, you tap, and the instructor says to the guy “Very good! You’re showing much improvement!” and looks at you with a mild look of disbelief on his face.
“WhatChaWeigh?” guy:
Whenever he taps to something, he asks what his opponent weighs. If it’s even 200 grams more than him, he nods as if to suggest that he only lost due to weight mismatch. He has probably asked you your weight at least once a week for the past year. (Note that when this guy fights smaller people, he forgets to ask)
BackFromGym Guy:
Seems to only come to class on days he has worked out at the gym. Lets you know that he is tired and weak from his work out. Makes sure you know exactly how much he benched that day.
The “I Suck” Guy:
Any time he gets tapped by someone at the school he starts loudly talking about how much he sucks. He keeps repeating this over and over until someone notices and reassures him that he’s good. If anyone ever agrees with him that he really does suck, he sulks and doesn’t come back to class for about three weeks.
The Former Star:
This guy used to be one of the best in the class, able to do anything to anyone whenever he wanted. Stops training for a while, comes back and gets all disappointed that other people have actually improved and gotten better than him since he left. Usually decides to train hard for a week or two to regain his position, but gets frustrated quickly when he doesn’t immediately become godlike. Very often decides to write a book about grappling or discuss game plans with others instead of actually practicing or rolling.
“Getting Serious Again” Guy:
has been training for as long as you can remember. He comes to class after being out for a while and always says the same thing..”Man, I (insert excuse like injury, wife or g-friend, kids, work, car trouble, finances), but I’m back for good now, you’ll see me here everyday!” and then he again disappears after like 2 weeks of training. 3 or 4 months down the road…repeat above sequence.
The Asshole:
First day for any whitebelt, the asshole will try to heelhook them, neck crank them, or otherwise grind the **** out of them just to feel an ounce of power. Since the asshole won’t train with any serious challenges, however, the whitebelt will eventually surpass him, and the asshole will mysteriously disappear from class.
The Future Champ:
He is pure Bigger wanna-be carioca, knows the names of every BJJ champ and the latest gossip from the UG. He talks about being Mundial champion from whitebelt, yearns to move to Brazil to train, is always looking to do another seminar or private with a Brazilian, and yet does not attend class regularly, always has an injury or excuse when it’s time to compete, wants to drill rather than spar, and talk rather than drill.
The De-Man-Izer:
This is the small person (often a girl) who will single out the biggest, highest ranking male she can find, then fling her tiny body at him and proceed to beat him down and tap him within an inch of his life. Often, her victims will lose all testicular fortitude, cry, and quit the sport for life…
The Tough-Ole-Bastid:
This is the guy who started later in life but despite his age, he is tougher than 90% of the twenty-something’s. He can get kneed in the head, kicked in the groin, or have his arm near torn off, and barely grimace as he continues to grapple (often against someone a lot bigger).
The Tougher-Older-Bastider:
This is the guy who started even later in life and despite a host of injuries, does 1hr of circuit training before class, grapples all the good/big folks in class despite being injured, and then bikes the 20 miles home telling everyone he’ll see them tomorrow for morning class.
The Codger:
This is also an old dude who just does it for fun. Against new people, he trash talks–”Can you feel the armbar coming? Can you feel it?” Against better people, he still trash talks “Missed that choke? Something not go as planned?!”
The Bleeder:
This guy got a mat burn the first time he rolled and has been knocking off the scab every time since.
The “Can you Show that Again?” Guy:
This guy never has a good enough angle when the instructor demonstrates the move. Once the drilling begins, he usually has to watch the people next to him do the move at least two or three times before attempting it himself. He sometimes resorts to calling the instructor over and asking a question before he even attempts the move.
The Humble ****-You-Up Guy:
This dude is a really good bjj guy but he’s humble, and scared as ****. This guy will tap you at times, then immediately talk about how he sucks, and you’re so much better and it was pure luck….to get over that initial awkward feeling between you two, when you just tapped to him.
Take Every Advantage Guy:
can always be found taking any advantage he can get while rolling. If starting on knees, he’ll stand up to get leverage. He’ll accidentally rip one of your fingers back to break your grip. He’ll poke you in your butt to get you to stop from going for that leglock. When you finally get him in a bad position, he’ll ask you stop for a minute “because we are too close to the wall,” and then he’ll want to restart back on the knees. This Guy acts this way because he treats every training session as the Finals of the Pride Grand Prix.
The Lazy Possum:
This guy has some skills but he fights really lazy and defensively most of the time and you think you have his number. But on occasion when there’s an audience or some chick watching he decides to bring his A game and you’re in a world of surprise, the guy suddenly becomes Marcelo Garcia.
The Gassing Giant:
This guy is an ex-power lifting bouncer type who throws you around for 5 minutes, but then winds up on his back and as soon as you think to yourself “now it’s my turn” he suddenly becomes too exhausted to continue and quickly says “let’s take a break man”.
Sack of Knees and Elbows Guy:
A squirmy bastard, usually an explosive athlete, you dominate this guy, but you feel like someone put you in a sack full of knees and elbows and started to shake it violently. After rolling, you are bruised up, if not cut.
The Kung Fu Grandmaster:
He always reassures you in the fact that he is a blackbelt in some traditional style , as you start to roll he grabs you with a death grip from hell and will never pull guard , even after two years of training. You pull guard and sweep him with a basic butterfly guard because if you pull closed guard he just grabs and pinches your arms making it not worth your effort. You pass his guard and mount, and even after being told 253 times that you cannot wrist lock a guy and throw him off from the bottom mount, he tries it again, and you start salivating from his arm being extended as you slowly move into the armlock.
The Judoka:
Similar to the “name that sub” guy, but this one names the sub in Japanese “yep, that’s juji-gatame” and every time the instructor shows a technique he nods his head and names it in Japanese.
No Responsibilities Guy:
maybe 20 yrs. old, lives at home. His mom washes his gi, make him dinner, and all he does is go to 2 college classes a day and trains the rest. He is always saying you should come down to train Wrestling at another place or Striking at another, meanwhile you have a 9 to 5, wife and kids and a mortgage.
The Lot Shark:
This guy drives to jiu jitsu, trolls the parking lot to make sure none of the guys who hand him his ass’s cars are there before coming in.
Early Retirement Guy:
Taps you the one time in his life and then retires “one up” for life.
The Steven Seagall Grappler:
Tries to take you down by tweaking your wrist….just cant believe that **** won’t work.
Street-Tough guy:
watched a couple UFC’s and decides to come down to the gym and “**** people up.” This guy inevitably picks the weakest looking member of the gym and demands to roll with him. Unfortunately for them, the small guys they pick are usually awesome technicians and they destroy the tough guy. I love playing along with the student when the tough guy demands to spar him. I’ll say stuff like “Do you want to roll with this new guy? Are you sure? He outweighs you and looks pretty mean. If you’re scared or nervous it’s ok.”
The “Heel Hook Hero”:
This guy has no idea how to pass the guard and he doesn’t want to learn. All he wants is to fall back and do his best Ken Shamrock impression. When he meets someone who won’t fall for it he convinces himself that he can beat the guy if he just trains a few more leg locks.
While rolling, this guy (who has never tapped you, and will never tap you) says something along the lines of “Hey, can I try something on you real quick? I just want to work out the mechanics on something…” He puts you in his rear mount, sinks the hooks in, and violently puts you in a choke AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE INSTRUCTOR WALKS BY, you tap, and the instructor says to the guy “Very good! You’re showing much improvement!” and looks at you with a mild look of disbelief on his face.
“WhatChaWeigh?” guy:
Whenever he taps to something, he asks what his opponent weighs. If it’s even 200 grams more than him, he nods as if to suggest that he only lost due to weight mismatch. He has probably asked you your weight at least once a week for the past year. (Note that when this guy fights smaller people, he forgets to ask)
BackFromGym Guy:
Seems to only come to class on days he has worked out at the gym. Lets you know that he is tired and weak from his work out. Makes sure you know exactly how much he benched that day.
The “I Suck” Guy:
Any time he gets tapped by someone at the school he starts loudly talking about how much he sucks. He keeps repeating this over and over until someone notices and reassures him that he’s good. If anyone ever agrees with him that he really does suck, he sulks and doesn’t come back to class for about three weeks.
The Former Star:
This guy used to be one of the best in the class, able to do anything to anyone whenever he wanted. Stops training for a while, comes back and gets all disappointed that other people have actually improved and gotten better than him since he left. Usually decides to train hard for a week or two to regain his position, but gets frustrated quickly when he doesn’t immediately become godlike. Very often decides to write a book about grappling or discuss game plans with others instead of actually practicing or rolling.
“Getting Serious Again” Guy:
has been training for as long as you can remember. He comes to class after being out for a while and always says the same thing..”Man, I (insert excuse like injury, wife or g-friend, kids, work, car trouble, finances), but I’m back for good now, you’ll see me here everyday!” and then he again disappears after like 2 weeks of training. 3 or 4 months down the road…repeat above sequence.
The Asshole:
First day for any whitebelt, the asshole will try to heelhook them, neck crank them, or otherwise grind the **** out of them just to feel an ounce of power. Since the asshole won’t train with any serious challenges, however, the whitebelt will eventually surpass him, and the asshole will mysteriously disappear from class.
The Future Champ:
He is pure Bigger wanna-be carioca, knows the names of every BJJ champ and the latest gossip from the UG. He talks about being Mundial champion from whitebelt, yearns to move to Brazil to train, is always looking to do another seminar or private with a Brazilian, and yet does not attend class regularly, always has an injury or excuse when it’s time to compete, wants to drill rather than spar, and talk rather than drill.
The De-Man-Izer:
This is the small person (often a girl) who will single out the biggest, highest ranking male she can find, then fling her tiny body at him and proceed to beat him down and tap him within an inch of his life. Often, her victims will lose all testicular fortitude, cry, and quit the sport for life…
The Tough-Ole-Bastid:
This is the guy who started later in life but despite his age, he is tougher than 90% of the twenty-something’s. He can get kneed in the head, kicked in the groin, or have his arm near torn off, and barely grimace as he continues to grapple (often against someone a lot bigger).
The Tougher-Older-Bastider:
This is the guy who started even later in life and despite a host of injuries, does 1hr of circuit training before class, grapples all the good/big folks in class despite being injured, and then bikes the 20 miles home telling everyone he’ll see them tomorrow for morning class.
The Codger:
This is also an old dude who just does it for fun. Against new people, he trash talks–”Can you feel the armbar coming? Can you feel it?” Against better people, he still trash talks “Missed that choke? Something not go as planned?!”
The Bleeder:
This guy got a mat burn the first time he rolled and has been knocking off the scab every time since.
The “Can you Show that Again?” Guy:
This guy never has a good enough angle when the instructor demonstrates the move. Once the drilling begins, he usually has to watch the people next to him do the move at least two or three times before attempting it himself. He sometimes resorts to calling the instructor over and asking a question before he even attempts the move.
The Humble ****-You-Up Guy:
This dude is a really good bjj guy but he’s humble, and scared as ****. This guy will tap you at times, then immediately talk about how he sucks, and you’re so much better and it was pure luck….to get over that initial awkward feeling between you two, when you just tapped to him.
Take Every Advantage Guy:
can always be found taking any advantage he can get while rolling. If starting on knees, he’ll stand up to get leverage. He’ll accidentally rip one of your fingers back to break your grip. He’ll poke you in your butt to get you to stop from going for that leglock. When you finally get him in a bad position, he’ll ask you stop for a minute “because we are too close to the wall,” and then he’ll want to restart back on the knees. This Guy acts this way because he treats every training session as the Finals of the Pride Grand Prix.
The Lazy Possum:
This guy has some skills but he fights really lazy and defensively most of the time and you think you have his number. But on occasion when there’s an audience or some chick watching he decides to bring his A game and you’re in a world of surprise, the guy suddenly becomes Marcelo Garcia.
The Gassing Giant:
This guy is an ex-power lifting bouncer type who throws you around for 5 minutes, but then winds up on his back and as soon as you think to yourself “now it’s my turn” he suddenly becomes too exhausted to continue and quickly says “let’s take a break man”.
Sack of Knees and Elbows Guy:
A squirmy bastard, usually an explosive athlete, you dominate this guy, but you feel like someone put you in a sack full of knees and elbows and started to shake it violently. After rolling, you are bruised up, if not cut.
The Kung Fu Grandmaster:
He always reassures you in the fact that he is a blackbelt in some traditional style , as you start to roll he grabs you with a death grip from hell and will never pull guard , even after two years of training. You pull guard and sweep him with a basic butterfly guard because if you pull closed guard he just grabs and pinches your arms making it not worth your effort. You pass his guard and mount, and even after being told 253 times that you cannot wrist lock a guy and throw him off from the bottom mount, he tries it again, and you start salivating from his arm being extended as you slowly move into the armlock.
The Judoka:
Similar to the “name that sub” guy, but this one names the sub in Japanese “yep, that’s juji-gatame” and every time the instructor shows a technique he nods his head and names it in Japanese.
No Responsibilities Guy:
maybe 20 yrs. old, lives at home. His mom washes his gi, make him dinner, and all he does is go to 2 college classes a day and trains the rest. He is always saying you should come down to train Wrestling at another place or Striking at another, meanwhile you have a 9 to 5, wife and kids and a mortgage.
The Lot Shark:
This guy drives to jiu jitsu, trolls the parking lot to make sure none of the guys who hand him his ass’s cars are there before coming in.
Early Retirement Guy:
Taps you the one time in his life and then retires “one up” for life.
The Steven Seagall Grappler:
Tries to take you down by tweaking your wrist….just cant believe that **** won’t work.
Street-Tough guy:
watched a couple UFC’s and decides to come down to the gym and “**** people up.” This guy inevitably picks the weakest looking member of the gym and demands to roll with him. Unfortunately for them, the small guys they pick are usually awesome technicians and they destroy the tough guy. I love playing along with the student when the tough guy demands to spar him. I’ll say stuff like “Do you want to roll with this new guy? Are you sure? He outweighs you and looks pretty mean. If you’re scared or nervous it’s ok.”
The “Heel Hook Hero”:
This guy has no idea how to pass the guard and he doesn’t want to learn. All he wants is to fall back and do his best Ken Shamrock impression. When he meets someone who won’t fall for it he convinces himself that he can beat the guy if he just trains a few more leg locks.
Met all of them. 
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