Verbal Self Defense

[whitebelt]

Any tips on de-escalating an altercation when it is still in the verbal stage? How do you deescalate it and keep it from growing into a physical confrontation? Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

[Dim Wit Moc]

PROVERBS 15
1 A soft answer turneth AWAY WRATH: but grievous words stir up anger.

Be calm and keep your voice down. Be in a street or natural stance so there is no perceived threat, but you are ready. Make sure your personal space is respected. If touched stop the soft words and take measures that will protect you and yours and keep you out of jail.

[elliotNess]

Make sure your personal space is respected. If touched stop the soft words and take measures that will protect you and yours and keep you out of jail.

Stay out of punching range. I like to be right around kicking range or further. Staying out of jail is everything.

[silverfox_y2k]

Check out Richard Demtri’s (Senshido) work on verbal diffusion in his manuals and dvds. He has some very good concepts regarding this very subject.
He states that:
a) You should take a non aggressive posture/stance
b) Keep the tonality of your voice calm (which can be difficult when adrenalised).
c) Try not to use term or phrases that may be deemed condescending 0r threatening towards your aggressor. (i.e. do NOT command, threaten, or insinuate he/she is worng).

In a nutshell, I can tell you that verbal de-escalation serves to:-
1) Genuinely diffuse the situation to allow you to escape and avoid a physical altercation.
2) To lure your aggressor into a false sense of security, by acting passive/neutral/non aggressive his/her ego will rise and their “guard” will go down. Resulting in your aggressor more than likely trying to evade your personal space.
3) This allows you to set them up with a pre-emptive strike if the situation calls for it.

I believe Richard Demitri is the top guy for this particular area IMHO and you should check him out if you want a more thorough and better detailed description for verbal de-escalation.

I personally have successfully diffused a number of situations that has allowed me to escape pretty unharmed. However, bear in mind that there are times that no matter what you say or do, some people just want trouble and to start a fight.

I have known people to have used verbal de-escalation skills but their aggressors have perceived their passive approach as a weakness and thereby continue into a physical altercation. I guess this is when Richard would state going pre-emptive.
I guess this is why law enforcement and security officials try to have a neutral approach but at the same time do so with an assertive nature, so their “politeness” is not taken as a weakness.

What do you think Bri ?

However, another school of thought, would advocate a more aggressive fence or verbal method that would seek to trigger an aggressor’s fight or flight response.
I think this method is another option to go for, and again I have used this approach successfully when my passive “nice” approach has failed. But what I find most effective is taking an assertive but not passive approach, let the guy know you aren’t going to take shit, but at the same time give them a way out.

The options are: 1) Let him impose his will on you
2) You impose your will on him (i.e. he backs down)
Now given the first two examples, they are both extremes of the scale and is either a “win or lose” situation for you.

However, if you give him a way out: e.g. “ I don’t mean no harm buddy, I am going about my own business, and will get out your face, I will be on my way so you can go on yours.”. This may prove a better option.

But the key thing to consider with a more aggressive or assertive style is that if he/she still fancies a fight, you have just given away the element of surprise and thus engaged in altercation and notably made this worse.

So basically “you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t”.

I think the best method for you would be to do some research, and role play various scenarios with your training buddies and see what happens. If your like me you may find it beneficial drilling both the de-escalation and aggressive versions of verbal combat.

I do believe a physical response should be the only option when everything else has been exhausted, but in saying that sometimes you may not have the luxury of talking to or even seeing your attacker.

Kind Regards

Mark G

[Jiu-fu fighter]

all you have to remember:

"Back off get your own sandwich!"

lol, for those who remember that commercial you will be laughing, for those who don't , well, I just sound like a crackhead

[Tant01]

Check out Richard Demtri’s (Senshido) work on verbal diffusion in his manuals and dvds. He has some very good concepts regarding this very subject.
He states that:
a) You should take a non aggressive posture/stance
b) Keep the tonality of your voice calm (which can be difficult when adrenalised).
c) Try not to use term or phrases that may be deemed condescending 0r threatening towards your aggressor. (i.e. do NOT command, threaten, or insinuate he/she is worng).

In a nutshell, I can tell you that verbal de-escalation serves to:-
1) Genuinely diffuse the situation to allow you to escape and avoid a physical altercation.
2) To lure your aggressor into a false sense of security, by acting passive/neutral/non aggressive his/her ego will rise and their “guard” will go down. Resulting in your aggressor more than likely trying to evade your personal space.
3) This allows you to set them up with a pre-emptive strike if the situation calls for it.

.....

....I do believe a physical response should be the only option when everything else has been exhausted, but in saying that sometimes you may not have the luxury of talking to or even seeing your attacker.

Kind Regards

Mark G

Greetings. With regards to Senshido I can not say with any authority one single thing about it. Is that a japanese word?

The verbal skill can be taken a step further. You hint at the deceptive potential.

In some silat styles there is a concept of weak counterpart position. It is for the intent of a ruse to trick the (victim) into this very false sense of security. By feeding the ego the information verbally is good. To be sure. To go a bit with that you need the body language as well. So the purpose of the posture itself is to lure the target into position.

"Oh please, please don't hurt poor little me"

LOL

One can be quite creative (animated) and dramatic with the trickery.

[silverfox_y2k]

hi Tant01,

I believe senshido is a japanese term that translates as "way of a thousand masters". But in saying that Senshido is NOT TMA or japanese art, but I guess falls into the category of effective self protection.
Check out Richard's site for more details.

I completely agree with you buddy, perhaps I didnt make it clear on my last post but obviously what I mentioned as some of the concepts richard teaches encompasses the act of a non aggressive posture/stance whilst using the deceptive dialogue. see point a)

From the silat that I have been exposed to over here in London, the silat guys use very deceptive methods of drawing your attention elswhere whilst simultaneously launching an attack. either by way of clicking your fingers or by some other form of distraction....great stuff!

Again this can be very similar to a verbal "pattern interrupt", i.e. asking you aggressor a question of some sort prior to pre-emptively striking.
E.g. "whats your favourite colour?" WHACK!

Regards

Mark G

[Jiu-fu fighter]

"welllllll lets see it would have to be either purple or....SMAAAAACK"

"sorry johnny smaaaack is not a colour"

"he looks to be out of it jim...."

[Memnoch1207]

One of the primary issues with attempted verbal de-escalation is that your opponent can work themselves up into an "adrenalized" rage, at which point your calm demeanor becomes a disadvantage. Soothing words do not calm an enraged bull.

If you start to realize that your de-escalation attempts only result in your adversary becoming more enraged, then it is up to you do de-escalate the situation immediately or retreat.

Note:
I was in a pool hall one night playing pool with my then girlfriend (now wife) and a couple of other friends. On one of my shots I accidently knocked the cue ball off the table and it flew about 5 feet and knocked over a pitcher of beer on the next table. Unfortunately for me, the pitcher was knocked over and poured all over the coats and purses of the 3 (drunk) guys and 2 (drunk) girls at that table.

I attempted to apologize and offered to buy them a couple of pitchers to make up for my obvious lacking of pool playing skills. But having alcohol involved, along with the desire to impress a female and other guys. One of the guys got overly aggressive and started yelling "I oughta kick your fuckin' ass!". My desire to de-escalate the situation with words and a kind gesture (buying them more beer) was interpreted (by him) as nothing more than a "scaredy cat" tactic used by a weaker person.

I'm not a small person (6' 2" 205 lbs), but I'm not huge either and I've never had the demeanor that would intimidate anyone. This drunk guy apparently misunderstood my "de-escalation" tactic as a sign of weakness and pursued the argument more aggressively. He kept stepping towards me and I kept backing up, wanting to keep some safe distance between us. I wasn't looking for an argument nor was I expecting a fight, but that's what it eventually turned into. To make it short, he pushed me, I fell backwards and hit my cheek on the corner of a pool table, cutting it pretty nicely. He then rushed me as I was getting up and somewhat 1/2 assed tackled me on to the table. At this point I just grabbed the nearest ball that was on the table and started bashing him with it. He was eventually pulled off or fell off of me. He lost a couple of teeth (i'm not sure how many) and had a nice knot on the side of his head.

I learned something from this though. Once an argument starts (verbal or otherwise) get in fighting mode and be ready for a fight. If you are going to attempt to de-escalate a situation, do it from an offensive posture. To an aggressor any attempt of de-escalation can and generally will be misconstrued as weakness, which will then give them a sense of power over you and more confidence to engage you in a physical attack.

Having parents as attorneys I was always warned about throwing the first punch, as this is generally viewed as being the attacker, rather than defender. But honestly, who wants to be hit first before hitting back, unless you are practicing aikido this is not advised. The scope of "self-defense" has to do with "imminent danger", a person 3-4 feet away from you, yelling at the top of their lungs "I'm gonna kick you ass", can definitely be interpretted as "imminent danger". So once someone like that get's within striking range, it's your call as to what you are going to do. You can wait for them to attack you or you can "intercept" their aggressive tactics with one of your own and physically de-escalate the situation yourself.

[Garland]

Any tips on de-escalating an altercation when it is still in the verbal stage? How do you deescalate it and keep it from growing into a physical confrontation? Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Yeah...draw a gun and scream; "Stop motherfucker!!! Put on your hands on your head one at a time and then drop to one knee, both knees and stay put before I put a bullet through your fucking domepiece!"

Oh...wait...that's escalating, isn't it?

Yeah...here's some real advice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdU-dcouUrk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shPj5xidsQo

[whitebelt]

This thread has become hilariously ironic. I wrote this thread because of certain incidents that were happening on the internet. Get this, since writing this thread I get verbally assaulted on New Years Eve by someone much taller than me by not wider. LOL. I was shocked, that this associate approach me in this manner. He really doesn't know my personality that well. To make a long story short, It happened in my driveway and I was bare footed. My reaction was instintive, I didn't go into deescalation mode because I was so angry at what this guy said--I just went into fight mode. I was cursing like a sailor and my body language was definetly no bull shit. I train all of the time in barefeet thus that was not an issue. I kept my distance and it was dark--I was not sure if this guy was carrying a blade. He backed down because he had never seen me so angry or heard me curse that way. In a way, I would not have mind if this had escalated into the physical. It always feels good to stand up to a bully.

[Paco]

Some times I find it hard to talk when shit is about to hit the fan. If your voice cracks, the aggressor interprets it as weakness, remaining silent can also egg him on as well.

Controlling body language is a bitch too. B/c I have found myself slightly shaking or pacing when scared and/or pissed off.

The trick is being aware when the situation has turned into a bad after-school special.

A lot of the yelling, posturing, hand waving is either a) somebody who has more bark than bite or b) an attempt to lull you in and continue escalating the situation.

I don't like to stand close and talk nonsense. Stand back, if he comes to you, it's on. My friend (who was a wrestler) used to talk about a circle. Until somebody steps in there with the wrong intentions you have no right to be beating on people. Joe Hyams told how Bruce Lee taught this concept to him by having him stretch out his side kick and Bruce drew a circle around him and threw punches just outside of it. The idea was that until the person went into the circle you really had nothing to fear.

[Hardball]

Your timing has to be impeccable, a fraction of a second can be the difference between a "Stop Hit" and being on the receiving end of a nasty Haymaker.

[Tant01]

There are exceptions to every "Rule" The circle is a theory but targets on your rear or flanks take more time to engage that makes the circle an elliptic... I like a shield even if it happens to be one of the attackers. By keeping one of them between yourself and the other aggressors you have a chance to employ other options...

Once the decision has been made and the intent recognized it's time to eliminate the threat. Set the pace yourself take the initative and destroy the targets. Don't wait. Get away or get busy!

[BlackPaladin]

"I learned something from this though. Once an argument starts (verbal or otherwise) get in fighting mode and be ready for a fight. If you are going to attempt to de-escalate a situation, do it from an offensive posture. To an aggressor any attempt of de-escalation can and generally will be misconstrued as weakness, which will then give them a sense of power over you and more confidence to engage you in a physical attack."


Good point.

Negotiate from a superior position.

Speak softly, and carry a big stick.