Humor, funny stuff, etc..

[treelizard]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[treelizard]

<snip> sorry, that joke was just too bad to leave up.

[Tant01]

PM it to me... I dont believe it was too bad to post.
I sent the other one along to my wife. It's worthy.
Thanks Treelizard.

[treelizard]

Okay but you asked for it!

The Rabbit and the Blonde
>
>
> A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
> jump out across the middle of the road.
>
> He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
> rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
>
> The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
> lover, pulls over and gets out to see
>
> what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
> rabbit is dead.
>
> The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
>
> A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees
> a man crying on the side of the road
>
> and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the
> man what's wrong.
>
> "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit
> this rabbit and killed it."
>
> The blonde says, "Don't worry."
>
> She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
>
> She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,
> and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
>
> The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
> and hops off down the road.
>
> Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves
> again, he hops down the road another 10
> feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns
> and waves, and repeats this again and again and
> again, until he hops out of sight.
>
> The man is astonished.
>
> He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
> that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
>
> The woman turns the can around so that the man can
> read the label.
>
> It says.. (Are you ready for this?)
>
> (Are you sure?)
>
> (This is bad!)
>
> (It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
>
> (You know you could just click off and not read the
> punch line....)
>
> (You can still delete it)
>
> (You know you're gonna be sorry)
>
> (Last chance)
>
> (OK, here it is)
>
> It says,
>
> "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds
> permanent wave."
>
> Hope you had a Happy Easter!!!

[7r14ngL3Ch0k3]

That joke was just as stupid as the first one!

[treelizard]

That joke was just as stupid as the first one!

got anything better?

we're waiting...

[7r14ngL3Ch0k3]

Here it goes...
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

[nutter]

Funny video http://www.backingblair.co.uk/iraq_war/

[Tant01]

Here it goes...
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Hair spray was WAY more funny than that!

[Tant01]

That joke was just as stupid as the first one!

I like them... Just the kind of funny I was looking for.


Treelizard thanks again!

[treelizard]

Awww, shucks.

[Garland]

Hair spray was WAY more funny than that!

**** that...Yentel was more funny than that...

and it spurned on the neo-nazi trend in America.
















that may have been outta line.

[treelizard]

Handy Engineering Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-
furlong
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League

[Tant01]

Headlines...

These are actual headlines from News stories;

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies

[7r14ngL3Ch0k3]

Read up to at least half this webpage, funny as hell......http://oelie.antville.org/stories/1065372/#1092943