Married men and those who don't want sex

[polegirl]

Cakegirl and I were wondering... she gets hit on a lot by married men who are after secret explicit XXX sex and have no intention of leaving their wives/girlfriends, and I get hit on by guys who say they want sex but then they don't want sex (including an ex boyfriend who dumped me because I wanted sex). What are we doing wrong? How can we change this situation?

[Jeremy Lobdell]

Sound's like the problems with the men, not you and cakegirl. Don't change a thing! The fact that you two can pick out the problems will save you a lot of headaches down the road. Any guy that dumps a woman because he's getting too much needs his head examined! He doesn't know how lucky he was.
Mahalo, Jeremy

[cakegirl]

Scary thing is, Jeremy, that Polegirl has had that happen more than once! And then we see these stereotypes around us always saying that men want sex more than women - and how do you think that makes poor Polegirl feel???

As for me, it's not strangers who happen to be married that hit on me - it's guys I know from different sports or work or whatever, who seem to get to know me first, then hit on me! I end up being like "Dude, how's your WIFE? How's your BABY?" because I know their whole story...

Where are the normal men our own age who are not married to someone else and who want to have sex with us? Where are they???

[Tom Yum]

Hmmmm...

Good questions from the both of you.

Well polegirl and cakegirl, it might have to do with the arena in which you are picking men up.

Looks like cakegirl also has a really attractive personality which could explain why guys hit on her once they get to know her - maybe you come across as a gal that doesn't nag and doesn't try really hard to change a guy.

Some people have extremely high hopes for their partner, thinking that they too can change them but as Lenny Kravitz sings, "What You See is What You Get." I've seen way too many women spend years trying to mold a square into a circle or vice versa to end up only distancing themselves from their man who meets the cool cakegirl and go off into this other life.

Yes, this is a sad thing.

Ladies, try to meet guys at different venues or groups...that's all I can really say cause I'm just a school kid

[Tom Yum]

Oh yeah, you gotta have good sensual chemistry too and its got to be mutual and strong if ya know what I mean.

You ever try partner dancing with someone who was inactive, unsure or uninterested. if you got the dance and you'll know if you do, chances are you need a new dance partner.

Funny thing is that when you go dancing you get both extremes: people who look really attractive but have 2 left feet to mediocre looking people who can cut a rug & start a fire and everything in between.

Go for the rug cutter fire-starters...

[cakegirl]

Somehow, Tom, I suspect you're telling us to go out with the good dancer for a reason

[Tom Yum]

Somehow, Tom, I suspect you're telling us to go out with the good dancer for a reason

Yes, I am a big fan of getting excercise while having a good, wholesome time

[Tom Yum]

Shameless self-promotion.

No way man, otherwise I would have called myself handsome........an' it ain't easy to say this when you look like someone who got booed at the gong show

[polegirl]

Scary thing is, Jeremy, that Polegirl has had that happen more than once! And then we see these stereotypes around us always saying that men want sex more than women - and how do you think that makes poor Polegirl feel???

[/I]

Can I tell you it did not make me feel good at all. Seriously when something happens once you think, well that was strange, but when it starts happening more than once you really start to question what is going on. Am I doing something to attract guys to me who say they want it but don't? Am I too demanding as far as sex is concerned (and I don't mean as in you have to do this or that but as in I want it too much). Is it true that guys want it all the time or is this a line women have been feed? Is it an age thing, do you get to a certain age and then don't want sex that much? I ask this only as younger guys (early 20's) seem to want it more than their older counterparts (say late 20's early 30's)? Or is one of those "everyone is an individual" and I have just attracted freaks in the past?

[polegirl]

Yes, I am a big fan of getting excercise while having a good, wholesome time

Maybe that is the problem I am more into getting exercise in a really really naughty way!!!!!

[cakegirl]

Looks like cakegirl also has a really attractive personality which could explain why guys hit on her once they get to know her - maybe you come across as a gal that doesn't nag and doesn't try really hard to change a guy.

Can I just say thanks for that, Tom.

I went away and thought about what you said. I had been worrying that these men thought nothing of me until they got to know me, and then decided that I was the type of person that would be OK creeping around behind people's backs... And that's what's been making me feel bad, because it's people I know, and who I have friendships with.

Now that I've thought about what you said, I'm seeing it a different way - that it's a positive thing - that they can see that I'm an open, accepting person, which is good!

[koto_ryu]

As little as I understand women, hopefully I can add something of use ;-)

Cakegirl: A lot of married men, even the really loyal ones, go through a time where they're wondering if they made the right choice to spend the rest of their lives with their wife. For some, it's just a fleeting thought and they stay married for 50, 75 years no problem. Others have one affair or so and feel guilty about it, and end up staying loyal to their wives the rest of the time. Like Tom said, a lot of guys feel their wives are trying to change too much (earlier their wives were telling them "I love you just the way you are," now they're trying to mold them into something they aren't) or because of the day-to-day activities, their wife is just too tired sometimes to feel the need. So guys start looking outwards and often look at the places they frequent a lot. If they're friends with a really cool lady who they feel comfortable with, they might get some ideas in their head that maybe they could get away with some unattached fun. It sounds like a lot of them think you're real laid back and easy to talk to, probably why you get propositioned a lot. I'm not sure how you could make it stop, but if you flat-out tell them "No way, you're married and that's wrong" or something similar, they'll probably decrease at least some.

Polegirl: It could have to do with the age differences as well. Most men hit their sexual peak in their late teens to early 20's, whereas most women hit it from the late 20's to early 30's. Some people just naturally have lower sex drives than other, which could be genetic (I read somewhere that blondes only think about it a few times a week, whereas redheads think about it a few times a day. Anyone know any single redheads? ), and it also has to do with how much testosterone a guy has. The more fit a guy is, the more likely he's going to have a higher sex drive. There's no real difference between men and women, both are looking for it at particular times and some more than others. Some guys have very high sex drives (me, unfortunately ) and some have really low ones and barely need it at all. It's tough to tell what they're into by personal appearance alone (and if you know, by all means, tell a guy! ) but usually if a person's real animated they're not too much of a sloth in the sack I suppose. You could always ask upfront earlier in the relationship as well during an appropriate time.

[Tom Yum]

The more fit a guy is, the more likely he's going to have a higher sex drive.

Ditto. Makes you wonder how all those plyos, core strengthening and quick runs improve drive and performance in other areas in addition to MMA.

[Tom Yum]

but usually if a person's real animated they're not too much of a sloth in the sack I suppose.

Shhhh... you're revealing too many secrets .

[gregimotis]

'K, so this may not be very helpful but, I have noticed that you can't really know a person 'sex drive' before hand. This is because everybody has a high sex drive when they aren't getting any and most people aren't getting any when they first meet and start dating.

Polegirl knows her sex drive is actually high (as opposed to simply starvation craving) because she's been there. If her sex drive is in the top 20% or so, it's likely that she just isn't getting lucky (ha, ha) with the relative sex drive of her men - not that she has some problem with the men she attracts.