thsi no joke can someone make a diet menu for me?

[matbla]

this is no joking matter any more it is life or death!!!
i need a menu for monday eat__? lunch eat__? and dinner eat__? and add snacks
make sure you do it for a week so i can follow it
and no joking do not put ice cream and soad and candy or any of that stuffo.k it is imprtant now or life or death to me no joking please hep me out here so i can eat right i like different thing each day no same thing each day help me out here

[Hardball]

go to www.sparkpeople.com or www.calorieking.com it is more appropriate than defend.net.

[matbla]

just went to web site thye all ask for a cridit card and i do not have one and they cost lost of money

[Hardball]

You are lying, www.sparkspeople.com is free and parts of www.calorieking.com is free also.

[matbla]

i dong spark

[Tom Yum]

Is it electrifying?

[Tom Yum]

The Jerky Boys!

One of the skits from Jerky 4 (I think). They got this old foreign guy who is just totally confused, and trys to repeat something. Only he keeps saying "I Pickle they?"

Tom Yum picked out a couple of my other Jerky quotes on another thread!

Did you catch my "You never know, you never, never know" in the other thread?

[Tom Yum]

Here's the video. You gotta love how he just doesn't seem to give a shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMZtdLra24E

JIMMY HAS FANCY PLANS!!

LMAO. That was awesome!!

[Ghost]

I pickle they?

yeah lol i love it when you post this makes me lol too. I actually look for it, but dont overuse it, so far you get it spot on every time and its very funny.

[Tom Yum]

And who could forget 'Benny Hill' and 'Are you being served'?

Everyone loved BennyHill.

[Ghost]

Are there a lot of Jerky Boys fans in England? I would think that you might not "get" the humor as it is specifically New York/Jersey kind of humor. (I don't always get a lot of the BBC comedies that I have seen.)

But some that I love are "Keeping up appearances" and "are you being served?". And "Fawlty Towers", of course! I love John Cleese's Lies and how they keep developing and getting worse throughout an episode, and then see him try to get out of it! "Coach" was one American sit-com that also had that type of humor.

Ive never seen it before or even heard of it, got any links?

i just think the phrase is just really funny. can only be used at matt though.

There are a lot of really good quality british comedies, you might say its what we do best tv wise.

Have you tried black adder?

[Tom Yum]

C'mon ghost, the subject of this thread is Matt Blake's diet. Here are some dieting tips Matt:

- instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

- Take any food item and rub it on a paper towel. If the towel becomes clear, its good to go.

- Avoid lean meats, vegetables and fruits. Purple is a fruit. So stock up on jelly stuffed donuts.

[matbla]

i lost hours at work i was getting 18 hours i saw my hours for next week i am only getting 12 i sad

[Ghost]

C'mon ghost, the subject of this thread is Matt Blake's diet. Here are some dieting tips Matt:

- instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

- Take any food item and rub it on a paper towel. If the towel becomes clear, its good to go.

- Avoid lean meats, vegetables and fruits. Purple is a fruit. So stock up on jelly stuffed donuts.

this is more cyclical posting. ive already done this for him and its not enough apparently. this is why i get tired.

http://www.defend.net/deluxeforums/showthread.php?p=283886#post283886

Hi Matt, heres the diet menu suggestion for you, im making a couple of options for some of the meals and you can make a days food up from that. im not going to do 7 in one go cos it takes time. i might add some more things later.

anyway here are some suggestions and you can flexible with it as there are many right ways to go about doing something. Some meals are the same each day because ultimately some food just fit certain times of day.

-------------------------
Training:
In addition to your training do 20-30 mins of the exercise bike before breakfast on the days you dont train. build this up to 1 hour gradually. rest on sundays.

Food options
--------------------------

Breakfast

80g Plain rolled oats (these are just standard oats) and 30g whey powder

OR

(non training day)
2 whole eggs and 5 egg whites mixed with 3 slices wholemeal bread, make an egg sandwhich triple decker, no butter or anything else.
-------------------------------------------------------------
After training food.

I know you train in the morning so this is your next meal if you are training.
70g Wholemeal(brown) pasta + 120g chicken breast or pork or beef+ vegetables of your choice(nothing on them for flavour)
-------------------------------------------------------------
If you arent training then have 1 or 2 pieces of fruit between breakfast and lunch.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Lunch
1 tin of tuna(in brine not oil) with salad which should include 1 or 2 tomatoes if possible, 2 slices wholemeal bread.
WITH
5 omega 3 fish oil caps

Or
protein shake, 30g whey, 50g peanut butter mixed together.
-------------------------------------------------
Mid afternoon
2 pieces of fruit + 30g mixed nuts(its not much)
--------------------------------------------------
Dinner.

50g wholemeal pasta OR 50g brown rice
WITH
1 small chicken breast OR 1 tine of tuna OR 1 salmon steak OR 120g of beef OR 120g of Pork.
With
Vegetables or salad.

3 hours after dinner
150g cottage cheese OR 30g whey protein
WITH
5 omega3 fish oil caps + 30g mixed nuts

this will give you roughly 2300 calories per day on training days.
If you feel too weak then increase the portion size by 20g here and there and record what you change.

------------------------
What you might need:

I suggest you get a set of scales so you can measure out food for yourself, this way you know what you are getting each time. Get some Whey protein powder for yourself, this is because its easy to use and suitable at certain times of the day.
gets some olive oil and keep it in the fridge always, get some omega 3 fish oil capsules and keep them in the fridge too. weights listed are uncooked weights. if you decide to use wholemeal bread then keep it in the freezer and defrost slices as and when you need it to make it last longer. Eggs use free range if you can that have been fed naturally as they have a better omega 3.6.9 ratio, dont worry what that is, but they are better for you.
mixed nuts, get the uncooked unsalted ones,so they should alot of different nuts in one bag.
chicken breasts cut up and put in freezer bags and freeze, you will have to be careful of the hygeine with this, same for the pork(dont get bacon) and beef if you choose them. grill meat if you can, id suggest you dont have red meat more than 3 times a week..

NOTE: these are only basic suggestions, you should play around with the figures and find what works for you, make sure you dont have a nut allergy and are not allergic to anything there. Make sure you pay attention to how you feel, its your best guide to what is happening to you, if you feel too weak and are losing weight too fast then increase portion sizes till you weight loss slows and you feel better.Its up to you what you follow and im not telling you to do this diet exactly as it is, its just a set of guidelines and is not definitive nor exhaustive. Tell your staff where you live that you are following a diet now and show them what you are doing, and again monitor how you feel and increase portion sizes if you need to.
Dont try to lose the weight quickly as it will just come back on again after unless you are really careful, good luck,if you dont like something say so and you can pm me if you want to know something or need more suggestions....give me some time if you do.

[Tom Yum]

i lost hours at work i was getting 18 hours i saw my hours for next week i am only getting 12 i sad

I didn't realize that the koolaid man had to clock in his hours.