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The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas will soon be drawing a number of people to Texas, including many who are not accustomed to southern hospitality.
These visitors may find useful the following travel advice issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Northerners and Northeasterners.
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Bobby Ray, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called a Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI World Com, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers, etc). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we'd kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is. So, shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't put ketchup on your eggs. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits the way God intended - with gravy, and don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we're saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Central Park.
12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint bumpkins because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.
14) Nothing in California is Southern, so if you come down here, don't think you're one of us just because you say you're from Southern California. Your Mexicans didn't invent low riders, ours did, and the food is Tex Mex. It isn't Cali Mex. You haven't contributed anything to the South so don't take credit or we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box....minus your ass.
These visitors may find useful the following travel advice issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Northerners and Northeasterners.
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Bobby Ray, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called a Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI World Com, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers, etc). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we'd kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is. So, shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't put ketchup on your eggs. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits the way God intended - with gravy, and don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we're saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Central Park.
12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint bumpkins because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.
14) Nothing in California is Southern, so if you come down here, don't think you're one of us just because you say you're from Southern California. Your Mexicans didn't invent low riders, ours did, and the food is Tex Mex. It isn't Cali Mex. You haven't contributed anything to the South so don't take credit or we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box....minus your ass.
I've been to Texas.
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